Well it's been just over a month since i put anything on my blog, so I think it's time to catch you all up on what has been happening.
I went back and finally saw the oncologist (Dr Ramm) he told me that I am herceptin negative so I don't need to have chemotherapy, he has put me on Tamoxifen tablets for the next 5 years and I am going back next month to start having a depot style injection in my stomach for the next 2 years to bring on temporary menopause, to stop my ovaries producing estrogen.
I have had my chest cavity (the space where my breasts used to be) drained 6 times so far, the first 3 times the fluid was a orange/yellow colour but clear. on the 3rd time, Miss Rogers injected a steroid into the cavity to stop my body producing the fluid, and told me to come back in a fortnight, Then the right side sounded like a hot water bottle, you could actually hear the fluid moving around, but I guess the noises meant there was air in there as well, but the left side filled up as usual, and I felt really ill, high temperatures and terrible hot flushes, after only a week, Dave rang the hospital up and arranged for me to go in and get the left side drained, when we got there, the nursing sister stared to drain the left side and the fluid came out all cloudy..... in fact it looked like cold tea.... She went and spoke to Miss Rogers and came back with a prescription for some heavy duty antibiotics.... and told me to go back the following week.
I was still feeling crappy, and the scar went a bit red in the middle, but after a couple of days, the scar went back to normal.... I went back the following week and told Miss Rogers I was feeling much better, she inserted the needle and the cannula, but nothing came out, so she tipped it down and a blob of brown stuff came out, Miss Rogers started panicking, she attatched a large syringe to the cannula and started to pull out syringe full after syringe full of brown muck, the colour of strong tea and the texture of mud, she said my chest wall should be bright red with an infection that severe, and she did tell me that if Dave hadn't got me in last week I would have been admitted immediately...... another weeks worth of antibiotics..... The following week, I went back and had the left side drained and it was like cold tea again..... so I am hoping that this is the end of the infection....... and that was Tuesday this week, so we are up to date on the medical stuff now.
the physical stuff I can handle, it's the emotional effect of losing my breasts that I am really struggling with at the moment.
Dave is being fantastic and he keeps assuring me that it doesn't matter to him..... and I know he really does mean that.
But it's how it's affecting me that is a problem.... I genuinely cant get my head round the fact that I haven't got breast anymore.
Friends often ask how I am getting on, and I tell them that I am ok, in fact I think my exact words are.... I'm getting there!
But I'm not...... when people ask how I am, I just want to scream at them... HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?
My mum says she knows how I feel because she had an operation to remove 2 massive tumours in her stomach............ but she doesn't.... she can't..... Mum's operation was to remove something that shouldn't have been there..... I know that my operation was to remove the cancer..... but they also removed part of my body that should have been there...... it should still be there.
When I have tried to tell the breast nurse at the hospital how I am feeling, she just tells me that I am having reconstructive surgery next year and then I will have breasts again.... but what am I supposed to do until then? How do they expect me to cope until then?
Do you know, when I first found the lump, they couldn't do enough for me.... but since I have had the operation to remove the cancer and remove my breasts..... I feel like they are not bothered.... the after care is lousy... all they have offered is an opportunity to attend a, once a month meeting, called "life after breast cancer"........ As far as the hospital is concerned, I feel like I have been thrown in the bin with my breasts.
I can't look at my scars in the mirror... I feel deformed.... I don't feel like me anymore.
Last week we went to a wedding..... and I just stood and cried, everywhere I looked there were cleavages on display.... Dave just looked at me and said "it's too early for you yet, isn't it?" he was brilliant and after only an hour he took me home.
I know I am miserable but I can't help it...... I am so unhappy with the way I look and I don't know how to change the way I feel.........
This bloody cancer has cost me my lovely hair and my breasts......... I have never been a slim woman, even as a teenager, my parents used to call me dumps (short for dumpling) and my lovely long hair and my cleavage used to make me feel feminine.... now i look in the mirror and I feel butch... even make up doesn't make me look feminine.
I know my dark moods are effecting the whole family..... I know Dave loves ME, but every time we talk about my new body image, I just start crying, and I don't want to be a misery guts wife... I want to be that happy upbeat wife I used to be.
I just want to feel like a real woman again.
I went on the cancer chat site and tried telling them how I feel, the people on there are amazing, and they explained that each of them feel very similar and they think I a being very strong....... but I don't feel very strong, I feel like a pile of snot and tears.
I understand that I am in a downward spiral.... but I don't know how to get out of it.... I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to hate the way I look.... but I don't know where to turn next.
I have cried almost all the way through writing this, and I have realised that writing this blog is probably one of the best things for me.... because it helps me get it out of my system.... I will definitely be writing in here more now... I think I need to.
Saturday 6 November 2010
Friday 8 October 2010
Tuesday 5th October
Why can't I stop crying?
I seem to be crying all the time for no reason, the doctor gave me some new painkillers yesterday, but they still don't take the pain away, I feel sick when ever I try to eat anything and I am constantly having hot sweats.... how much more of this do I have to take.
I rang Macmillan this morning to find out when my grant is coming through because I desperately need some new clothes (all my old ones are fitted or low cut) and all I did was cry down the phone at the poor woman.... when she told me that my grant application wasn't even on her system, I just cried even louder...... god, I'm a mess.
I have to go to the hospital today to get my chest drained and find out about what happens next.... but to be honest, I don't want to leave the house.
I have no breasts and it feels like everybody is starring at me... I feel deformed and I don't feel like a woman... I feel like a freak.
I tried ringing the hospital to speak to Barbara, but I just cried at the receptionist who answered the phone, so she asked if I was alright "No.... just want to talk to Barbara"... the receptionist said she would get Barbara to ring me back. about 5 minutes later the phone rang, but Dave had to answer it because I was sobbing my heart out..... he explained to her how I was feeling and asked if I had to come to the hospital as I don't want to go out... but she said I have to come in.
When we got to the hospital, we walked into the Jasmine suite, I was, as usual, hunched over holding my the front of my shirt out (so nobody could see I was deformed) Dave has had arm around me, we were only waiting about 2 minutes and we got called in, (Dave says I should cry down the phone more often, I must have scared them) Jenna (the registrar) came in with Pet (one of the nurses) and she asked me if I was ok..... More tears, floods of them, they were brilliant, they gave me tissues and just listened, they then went on to explain that the way I was feeling was normal... "why don't I feel normal then" I cried, "because the tears show us that you understand what is happening " Jenna went on to explain that because I have coped so well with everything that has happened to me in such a short length of time and because I have been doing so well that they were a bit worried that I was in denial..... but the tears proved that everything was sinking in... Jenna and Pet went on to drain my chest, still a lot of fluid but not as much as last week, still lovely and clear so there is no sign of infection.... Jenna then went on to tell my that I didn't have to have the intravenous chemotherapy, I was going to go on a tablet chemo... great news, I get to keep my hair (I think I would rather lose my hair and keep my boobs.... my hair will grow back)
Jenna then went and got Barbara, Barbara was brilliant, she said she would chase up the grant people and make sure it got sorted... Then Pet said, "can she try a softee?" Barbara explained that a softee was a fake breast made of foam that I could wear inside my bra when I went out... she then took us into a room and we just talked... about everything, she explained how they were one breast care nurse short because of funding issues, so her and Dave had a chat about Dave doing some fund raising for the Jasmine suite... and then she started to look through the bra's she had and got some "softee's" out... to be honest, they looked a bit like airline pillows, but when she helped me put the bra on with the "softees" in.... I couldn't believe the difference.... I know they weren't real, but I didn't feel deformed anymore. she also showed me the silicone breasts that I would have when my wounds were fully healed, I was surprised at how heavy they were, but she said it was so they wouldn't ride up in my bra like the softees would... she made me an appointment to see my oncologist next Tuesday, and we left.
I could not believe the difference that these 2 bits of padding made to me... They gave me so much more confidence, I didn't feel deformed anymore, I could walk around with my head held high again... who ever invented these things deserves a medal.
And that little bit of confidence changed me........... it gave me strength, a strength to carry on.
We went home and had a cuppa and we told our daughter everything that had happened she looked so pleased, but to be honest, I think she was just happy that I had finally stopped crying .
Dave said he had to pop to the shop to get something for tea.... and I think I surprised us all when I said I would go with him. Dave said "come on then gorgeous" so I smiled back and said "hang on for a minute while I get my boobs" and we all fell about laughing.
We got to Morrisons and got out of the car and I had to laugh and tell him to wait, "What's up?" he asked, but also started laughing when he saw the the seat-belt had pushed one of my "boobs" up nearly to my shoulder.
So today I learned that by telling the nurses and doctors that i am miserable doesn't make me seem weak, it makes me normal.... and it shows them how they can help me.
And now the crying has stopped and this meltdown is over, I feel so much better for it, maybe I needed to let it all out.... all I know for definite is, with Dave my my side and my fake boobs on... I can survive another day.
I seem to be crying all the time for no reason, the doctor gave me some new painkillers yesterday, but they still don't take the pain away, I feel sick when ever I try to eat anything and I am constantly having hot sweats.... how much more of this do I have to take.
I rang Macmillan this morning to find out when my grant is coming through because I desperately need some new clothes (all my old ones are fitted or low cut) and all I did was cry down the phone at the poor woman.... when she told me that my grant application wasn't even on her system, I just cried even louder...... god, I'm a mess.
I have to go to the hospital today to get my chest drained and find out about what happens next.... but to be honest, I don't want to leave the house.
I have no breasts and it feels like everybody is starring at me... I feel deformed and I don't feel like a woman... I feel like a freak.
I tried ringing the hospital to speak to Barbara, but I just cried at the receptionist who answered the phone, so she asked if I was alright "No.... just want to talk to Barbara"... the receptionist said she would get Barbara to ring me back. about 5 minutes later the phone rang, but Dave had to answer it because I was sobbing my heart out..... he explained to her how I was feeling and asked if I had to come to the hospital as I don't want to go out... but she said I have to come in.
When we got to the hospital, we walked into the Jasmine suite, I was, as usual, hunched over holding my the front of my shirt out (so nobody could see I was deformed) Dave has had arm around me, we were only waiting about 2 minutes and we got called in, (Dave says I should cry down the phone more often, I must have scared them) Jenna (the registrar) came in with Pet (one of the nurses) and she asked me if I was ok..... More tears, floods of them, they were brilliant, they gave me tissues and just listened, they then went on to explain that the way I was feeling was normal... "why don't I feel normal then" I cried, "because the tears show us that you understand what is happening " Jenna went on to explain that because I have coped so well with everything that has happened to me in such a short length of time and because I have been doing so well that they were a bit worried that I was in denial..... but the tears proved that everything was sinking in... Jenna and Pet went on to drain my chest, still a lot of fluid but not as much as last week, still lovely and clear so there is no sign of infection.... Jenna then went on to tell my that I didn't have to have the intravenous chemotherapy, I was going to go on a tablet chemo... great news, I get to keep my hair (I think I would rather lose my hair and keep my boobs.... my hair will grow back)
Jenna then went and got Barbara, Barbara was brilliant, she said she would chase up the grant people and make sure it got sorted... Then Pet said, "can she try a softee?" Barbara explained that a softee was a fake breast made of foam that I could wear inside my bra when I went out... she then took us into a room and we just talked... about everything, she explained how they were one breast care nurse short because of funding issues, so her and Dave had a chat about Dave doing some fund raising for the Jasmine suite... and then she started to look through the bra's she had and got some "softee's" out... to be honest, they looked a bit like airline pillows, but when she helped me put the bra on with the "softees" in.... I couldn't believe the difference.... I know they weren't real, but I didn't feel deformed anymore. she also showed me the silicone breasts that I would have when my wounds were fully healed, I was surprised at how heavy they were, but she said it was so they wouldn't ride up in my bra like the softees would... she made me an appointment to see my oncologist next Tuesday, and we left.
I could not believe the difference that these 2 bits of padding made to me... They gave me so much more confidence, I didn't feel deformed anymore, I could walk around with my head held high again... who ever invented these things deserves a medal.
And that little bit of confidence changed me........... it gave me strength, a strength to carry on.
We went home and had a cuppa and we told our daughter everything that had happened she looked so pleased, but to be honest, I think she was just happy that I had finally stopped crying .
Dave said he had to pop to the shop to get something for tea.... and I think I surprised us all when I said I would go with him. Dave said "come on then gorgeous" so I smiled back and said "hang on for a minute while I get my boobs" and we all fell about laughing.
We got to Morrisons and got out of the car and I had to laugh and tell him to wait, "What's up?" he asked, but also started laughing when he saw the the seat-belt had pushed one of my "boobs" up nearly to my shoulder.
So today I learned that by telling the nurses and doctors that i am miserable doesn't make me seem weak, it makes me normal.... and it shows them how they can help me.
And now the crying has stopped and this meltdown is over, I feel so much better for it, maybe I needed to let it all out.... all I know for definite is, with Dave my my side and my fake boobs on... I can survive another day.
Monday 4 October 2010
Sunday 3rd September
Every day I seem to get more and more depressed, I think that could have a lot to do with the fact that my pain killers don't seem to be working, even though I have doubled them up, and I still can't sleep... In fact the last decent sleep I had was those few hours when I first got home from the hospital.
Dave is being brilliant, he is constantly telling me that he loves me and he keeps cuddling me and kissing me and showing me that he loves me.... I feel so rotten because he is being lovely and I am just so miserable... it's not fair on him.
Loads of people on facebook really care and often ask me how I'm getting on, and I tell everybody that I am fine and I'm on the mend..... One of the ladies on the cancer chat site I'm on, left a message asking if I was ok and telling me that she would be there when I was ready to talk.... So i wrote down what i felt and started crying... Dave came over and asked me what was wrong and it all came spilling out, he listen, cuddled me and kissed away my tears, he never made feel stupid or anything, he was brilliant, so he said "Why don't you write it down in your blog? do what you do best and write, it might help."...... So here goes...
Before the operation and everything was hurry hurry and lets get this sorted... but since the operation, I feel like they have just chopped my boobs off and thrown me away.... ok, we got the cancer, now go away and pop back now and again to get your chest drained.... Nobody has actually said anything like that, it's just the way I feel.... I don't even want to go outside because I feel so deformed, When we went out I wore a baggy shirt and kept pulling it out at the chest so nobody could tell I had no breasts.... it's so hard to explain how I feel........ I don't feel complete.... I just feel broken.
I just want to cry and when people ask how I am, I just say to Dave, "Why do they ask? they wouldn't know what to say if I told them how I really felt"
I don't know why Dave put up with me........... yes I do, it's cos he really does love me.... I feel like I am being a lousy wife, it's been nearly 3 weeks since my operation and I am still crying because I haven't got any breasts...... I know that also means I haven't got anymore cancer either, so why cant I focus on the good points?..... Why do I just want to cry all the time?
Everywhere I look there are breasts and cleavages on display, on television, in the paper, on the adverts, women just walking down the streets, even teenagers coming home from school... It just makes me more aware of my own body's shortcomings.
I think we can safely say that I am having a wobbly day... or even a wobbly week, I am definitely on a downward slope on this rollercoaster.
I have just read this back to myself and it reads like the ramblings of a mad woman.... well I know I'm not mad, I'm just very sad..... I want everything to be the way it was before I got this bloody cancer... I want my breasts back..... I want to be that positive, upbeat, self confident woman I used to be..... I don't want to be this me anymore..... I want my life back
Dave is being brilliant, he is constantly telling me that he loves me and he keeps cuddling me and kissing me and showing me that he loves me.... I feel so rotten because he is being lovely and I am just so miserable... it's not fair on him.
Loads of people on facebook really care and often ask me how I'm getting on, and I tell everybody that I am fine and I'm on the mend..... One of the ladies on the cancer chat site I'm on, left a message asking if I was ok and telling me that she would be there when I was ready to talk.... So i wrote down what i felt and started crying... Dave came over and asked me what was wrong and it all came spilling out, he listen, cuddled me and kissed away my tears, he never made feel stupid or anything, he was brilliant, so he said "Why don't you write it down in your blog? do what you do best and write, it might help."...... So here goes...
Before the operation and everything was hurry hurry and lets get this sorted... but since the operation, I feel like they have just chopped my boobs off and thrown me away.... ok, we got the cancer, now go away and pop back now and again to get your chest drained.... Nobody has actually said anything like that, it's just the way I feel.... I don't even want to go outside because I feel so deformed, When we went out I wore a baggy shirt and kept pulling it out at the chest so nobody could tell I had no breasts.... it's so hard to explain how I feel........ I don't feel complete.... I just feel broken.
I just want to cry and when people ask how I am, I just say to Dave, "Why do they ask? they wouldn't know what to say if I told them how I really felt"
I don't know why Dave put up with me........... yes I do, it's cos he really does love me.... I feel like I am being a lousy wife, it's been nearly 3 weeks since my operation and I am still crying because I haven't got any breasts...... I know that also means I haven't got anymore cancer either, so why cant I focus on the good points?..... Why do I just want to cry all the time?
Everywhere I look there are breasts and cleavages on display, on television, in the paper, on the adverts, women just walking down the streets, even teenagers coming home from school... It just makes me more aware of my own body's shortcomings.
I think we can safely say that I am having a wobbly day... or even a wobbly week, I am definitely on a downward slope on this rollercoaster.
I have just read this back to myself and it reads like the ramblings of a mad woman.... well I know I'm not mad, I'm just very sad..... I want everything to be the way it was before I got this bloody cancer... I want my breasts back..... I want to be that positive, upbeat, self confident woman I used to be..... I don't want to be this me anymore..... I want my life back
Tuesday 28th September
Today is the day I get the results from my sentinel node biopsy, and we will also find out what happens next as far as my treatment goes.
As we get to the hospital and start walking to the Jasmine suite, I tell Dave that I can cope with anything, Chemotherapy or radiotherapy, just as long as it hasn't spread.... He agree's, he said no matter what comes next, I won't be facing it alone.... and I know that he means that, whatever happens next, he will be right by my side all the way.
We get to the Jasmine suite and sit down to wait, We are waiting about 25 minutes before we get called in, the nurse takes us into an examination room and leaves us there for another 10 minutes.
The door opens and in walks Miss Rogers, Jenna and another woman who introduces herself as another breast nurse who is standing in while Barbara is on holiday..... Miss Rogers asked if I was having any problems, so I told her I had a bit of swelling... Well to be honest, it was more than a bit of swelling... it looks like I'm growing a new set of boobs! But Miss Rodgers told me that she could drain the fluid out, but she had my results.... did I want them first?
Yes please, So she told me that the Lymph nodes that they had taken out were all clear, and they got all the cancer out.... I felt sick with relief and then I started to cry, God what a girl! I cry with bad news and I cry when I get good news.... but it was a different type of crying, it was crying with relief, tears of joy... I felt like somebody had lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I asked about whether I would have to have chemo or radiotherapy, She told me that she didn't think I would have to have radiotherapy but she didn't know if I had to have chemo or not... Jenna said she would drain the fluid from my chest, so Miss Roger said she would see me next week and she left.
Jenna said she had asked to come in while miss Rogers told me the news so she could see my face, bless her, unfortunately she is moving to Sheffield hospital next week, but she will be back in the breast care unit just in time for my 6 month check up.
Jenna drained the fluid off and I must admit, it was totally painless, but I was surprised at the amount of fluid that came out, but Jenna said it was lovely and clear, which meant no infection.
I got an appointment for next Tuesday and said goodbye to Jenna.... shame she's leaving, she is lovely.
As we get to the hospital and start walking to the Jasmine suite, I tell Dave that I can cope with anything, Chemotherapy or radiotherapy, just as long as it hasn't spread.... He agree's, he said no matter what comes next, I won't be facing it alone.... and I know that he means that, whatever happens next, he will be right by my side all the way.
We get to the Jasmine suite and sit down to wait, We are waiting about 25 minutes before we get called in, the nurse takes us into an examination room and leaves us there for another 10 minutes.
The door opens and in walks Miss Rogers, Jenna and another woman who introduces herself as another breast nurse who is standing in while Barbara is on holiday..... Miss Rogers asked if I was having any problems, so I told her I had a bit of swelling... Well to be honest, it was more than a bit of swelling... it looks like I'm growing a new set of boobs! But Miss Rodgers told me that she could drain the fluid out, but she had my results.... did I want them first?
Yes please, So she told me that the Lymph nodes that they had taken out were all clear, and they got all the cancer out.... I felt sick with relief and then I started to cry, God what a girl! I cry with bad news and I cry when I get good news.... but it was a different type of crying, it was crying with relief, tears of joy... I felt like somebody had lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I asked about whether I would have to have chemo or radiotherapy, She told me that she didn't think I would have to have radiotherapy but she didn't know if I had to have chemo or not... Jenna said she would drain the fluid from my chest, so Miss Roger said she would see me next week and she left.
Jenna said she had asked to come in while miss Rogers told me the news so she could see my face, bless her, unfortunately she is moving to Sheffield hospital next week, but she will be back in the breast care unit just in time for my 6 month check up.
Jenna drained the fluid off and I must admit, it was totally painless, but I was surprised at the amount of fluid that came out, but Jenna said it was lovely and clear, which meant no infection.
I got an appointment for next Tuesday and said goodbye to Jenna.... shame she's leaving, she is lovely.
Monday 20th September
Today is the day I am supposed to get my drains taken out, even though they were really full yesterday (over 300ml in each) and they are pretty full today as well (250ml in each) but they are so uncomfortable that I just want rid of them..... the district nurse has been coming everyday to empty them, but I'm hoping when the drains come out I will be able to get comfortable and maybe finally get a decent nights sleep.
the district nurse turns up, her name is Sue, I try to tell her that there is still loads of fluid in the drains, but she's not interested, as far as she is concerned... the drains come out today! Well she's the nurse, she knows what she's doing..... at least that's what I think until she asks me if I have a stitch cutter.... "What the hell would I be doing with a stitch cutter?"
Sue starts getting everything she needs sorted and even manages to find a stitch cutter of her own, then she says we are ready to start,
Dave comes and holds my hand as neither of us has ever had drains so we don't really know what to expect, but it was surprisingly pain free, but it was definitely one of the wierdest feelings when she cut the stitch holding the tube just below my dressings, the she started to pull the tube out, I was expecting it just to pop right out of the little hole... i certainly didn't expect to feel it moving just below my collar bone, and then I felt it as it moved down my chest until if finally came out.... what a strange experience, I think the only thing I can think of to compare it to was when I was pregnant and the baby kicked, a movement inside your body somewhere you are not expecting it to be.... after that Sue put a little dressing over the hole the pipe had left, and then repeated the process on the other side.
But.. "Oh my god," did I feel better after they were out, but it took a bit of getting used to, not having my 2 little bags everywhere with me.
the district nurse turns up, her name is Sue, I try to tell her that there is still loads of fluid in the drains, but she's not interested, as far as she is concerned... the drains come out today! Well she's the nurse, she knows what she's doing..... at least that's what I think until she asks me if I have a stitch cutter.... "What the hell would I be doing with a stitch cutter?"
Sue starts getting everything she needs sorted and even manages to find a stitch cutter of her own, then she says we are ready to start,
Dave comes and holds my hand as neither of us has ever had drains so we don't really know what to expect, but it was surprisingly pain free, but it was definitely one of the wierdest feelings when she cut the stitch holding the tube just below my dressings, the she started to pull the tube out, I was expecting it just to pop right out of the little hole... i certainly didn't expect to feel it moving just below my collar bone, and then I felt it as it moved down my chest until if finally came out.... what a strange experience, I think the only thing I can think of to compare it to was when I was pregnant and the baby kicked, a movement inside your body somewhere you are not expecting it to be.... after that Sue put a little dressing over the hole the pipe had left, and then repeated the process on the other side.
But.. "Oh my god," did I feel better after they were out, but it took a bit of getting used to, not having my 2 little bags everywhere with me.
Friday 17th September GOING HOME
Another bad night... hardly any sleep and generally feeling crappy.
Everybody in my room went home yesterday so I am all on my own in here, I heard the usual noises about 6ish but nobody came to my room, so at about 7.30 I got up and went looking for a cuppa, after speaking to the nurse it turned out that they had forgotten me when they too the drinks round earlier.... bloody typical!
The surgeons and the registrar came to see me and are really pleased with my progress... In fact they are so pleased that they are letting me go home today, I will still have my drains in and I have to take it easy, But they are letting me go home.... As soon as they go I ring Dave, he is so pleased, so I tell him to get a bit of rest and tell him when to come and pick me up.
The room I'm in starts filling up with new patients in for day surgery, so I dont feel so alone anymore, and in no time at all, Dave turns up with a big smile on his face, he's came to take me home.
He helps me pack all my stuff away and get dressed, and then we wait for the tablets to come up from pharmacy ... after another 2 hours of waiting, my tablets arrive and I say goodbye to the nurses and all the staff.
I am so happy to be home, but I have to admit, I am so knackered, I've only come home and I feel like I've walked for miles.... it's strange how the body works.
I know I will recover better now I am home, I won't be worrying how Dave and the kids are..... Well to be honest, I wasn't worried about the kids, I knew Dave was dealing with them, but I was worried about Dave, me being in hospital was the first time we have spent a night apart since we moved in together... I missed him and he missed me.
Even when I went upstairs for a lay down, knowing he was only downstairs and would come running if I shouted him.... I was able to relax and immediately fell asleep for about 3 hours.
It was so good to be home.
Everybody in my room went home yesterday so I am all on my own in here, I heard the usual noises about 6ish but nobody came to my room, so at about 7.30 I got up and went looking for a cuppa, after speaking to the nurse it turned out that they had forgotten me when they too the drinks round earlier.... bloody typical!
The surgeons and the registrar came to see me and are really pleased with my progress... In fact they are so pleased that they are letting me go home today, I will still have my drains in and I have to take it easy, But they are letting me go home.... As soon as they go I ring Dave, he is so pleased, so I tell him to get a bit of rest and tell him when to come and pick me up.
The room I'm in starts filling up with new patients in for day surgery, so I dont feel so alone anymore, and in no time at all, Dave turns up with a big smile on his face, he's came to take me home.
He helps me pack all my stuff away and get dressed, and then we wait for the tablets to come up from pharmacy ... after another 2 hours of waiting, my tablets arrive and I say goodbye to the nurses and all the staff.
I am so happy to be home, but I have to admit, I am so knackered, I've only come home and I feel like I've walked for miles.... it's strange how the body works.
I know I will recover better now I am home, I won't be worrying how Dave and the kids are..... Well to be honest, I wasn't worried about the kids, I knew Dave was dealing with them, but I was worried about Dave, me being in hospital was the first time we have spent a night apart since we moved in together... I missed him and he missed me.
Even when I went upstairs for a lay down, knowing he was only downstairs and would come running if I shouted him.... I was able to relax and immediately fell asleep for about 3 hours.
It was so good to be home.
Friday 24 September 2010
Thursday 16th September
I didn't write anything about last night as, to be honest, I don't really remember too much about it.... I know I was sick when I came round after the anesthetic, and I remember my gorgeous husband and daughter came to visit me, and I remember having an oxygen mask on a morphine pump and some inflatable leg warmer type things (apparently they reduce the risk of DVT)
Well I woke up this morning feeling surprisingly bright and cheery.... I hadn't had much sleep... I expected to be feeling really poorly and in lots of pain.... but i wasn't.
I had some bread and jam for breakfast and then called a nurse so I could go to the loo.... after she had disconnected me from all my machines and taken me to the loo and fetched me back to my bed, I felt like I had run a marathon.... I felt all light headed and sick, she reconnected me to the morphine pump and left me sitting up in bed.
My surgeon and registrar came to see me, and told me that everything had gone very well.
after a couple of hours, a nurse came and disconnected me again and told me I could go and have a wash..... I took my wash kit and towel and walked up to the bathroom, I locked the door, filled the sink with water and then took my pyjama top off............. and then stopped!
In front of me was a full length mirror........... and as I caught site of my own reflection i was filled with shock..... two big plasters where my breasts used to be, I don't know what I expected to see, but it wasn't that... it just looked so wrong!
I finished my wash and got dressed again and hurried back to my bed, crying all the way, the nurse came back to hook me up to my morphine pump and asked me what was wrong, so I told her.... she smiled and told me she understood............ HOW THE HELL CAN SHE UNDERSTAND?
When I asked her how she understood, she said she could imagine.... no she couldn't... nobody can unless they have had it done.
Why does everybody keep saying that I will get new boobs when my reconstruction is done? what about now? How am I supposed to feel about it now?
The rest of the day went past in kind of a haze... My husband and the kids came to see me, and Dave was so brilliant, he made me feel like a princess........... When he says losing my breasts makes no difference to him... he really does mean it... I love him so much.
Well I woke up this morning feeling surprisingly bright and cheery.... I hadn't had much sleep... I expected to be feeling really poorly and in lots of pain.... but i wasn't.
I had some bread and jam for breakfast and then called a nurse so I could go to the loo.... after she had disconnected me from all my machines and taken me to the loo and fetched me back to my bed, I felt like I had run a marathon.... I felt all light headed and sick, she reconnected me to the morphine pump and left me sitting up in bed.
My surgeon and registrar came to see me, and told me that everything had gone very well.
after a couple of hours, a nurse came and disconnected me again and told me I could go and have a wash..... I took my wash kit and towel and walked up to the bathroom, I locked the door, filled the sink with water and then took my pyjama top off............. and then stopped!
In front of me was a full length mirror........... and as I caught site of my own reflection i was filled with shock..... two big plasters where my breasts used to be, I don't know what I expected to see, but it wasn't that... it just looked so wrong!
I finished my wash and got dressed again and hurried back to my bed, crying all the way, the nurse came back to hook me up to my morphine pump and asked me what was wrong, so I told her.... she smiled and told me she understood............ HOW THE HELL CAN SHE UNDERSTAND?
When I asked her how she understood, she said she could imagine.... no she couldn't... nobody can unless they have had it done.
Why does everybody keep saying that I will get new boobs when my reconstruction is done? what about now? How am I supposed to feel about it now?
The rest of the day went past in kind of a haze... My husband and the kids came to see me, and Dave was so brilliant, he made me feel like a princess........... When he says losing my breasts makes no difference to him... he really does mean it... I love him so much.
Monday 20 September 2010
Wednesday 15th september SURGERY
7.30am and we are up on ward G5, the receptionist shows us to my bed and tells us that a nurse will be along in a bit to book me in properly... and then she left us, Me and Dave put all my things away and then looked at each other... it was today, it was really going to happen.... we just sat down and held each others hands and waited.... the surgeon came and spoke to us and said "you are having both operated on today?" then he drew all over me, circles on my breasts and arrows pointing down my arms, then he told me I was last on the list so he would see me about 1ish, and then he left.
I then had Jenna (the registrar) come to see us and she helped put my mind at ease, the another young surgeon came and explained what would be happening and then finally the anesthetist came and she explained because I was having surgery on both sides, she might have to put the cannula in my foot...... all of a sudden it was 12.55 and Dave said he had to go, but didn't want to leave me alone, I told him that I would be fine and I walked him to the lift, as I got back to my room, the nurse was waiting for me saying, it's your turn now... so I banged on the door to the lift and Dave waited until we came through, he felt better knowing that I wasn't waiting on my own, and I felt better knowing he wasn't worrying too much... Dave gave me a kiss and cuddle and told me he would see me when I woke up, then he left and me and the nurse walked through to the theatre, and I suddenly realised that I was crying, it was all so real and so now.
I sat on the trolley and answered all the questions that they asked me, I told them I was scared, but they assured me they would look after me.... the anesthetist told me she was putting something in my hand that would me me sleep..... and then there was nothing!
I then had Jenna (the registrar) come to see us and she helped put my mind at ease, the another young surgeon came and explained what would be happening and then finally the anesthetist came and she explained because I was having surgery on both sides, she might have to put the cannula in my foot...... all of a sudden it was 12.55 and Dave said he had to go, but didn't want to leave me alone, I told him that I would be fine and I walked him to the lift, as I got back to my room, the nurse was waiting for me saying, it's your turn now... so I banged on the door to the lift and Dave waited until we came through, he felt better knowing that I wasn't waiting on my own, and I felt better knowing he wasn't worrying too much... Dave gave me a kiss and cuddle and told me he would see me when I woke up, then he left and me and the nurse walked through to the theatre, and I suddenly realised that I was crying, it was all so real and so now.
I sat on the trolley and answered all the questions that they asked me, I told them I was scared, but they assured me they would look after me.... the anesthetist told me she was putting something in my hand that would me me sleep..... and then there was nothing!
Monday 13 September 2010
Monday 13th September
Yesterday just went past in kind of a haze... I sat there kind of numb all day.
today Dave told me that he has read my last entry, After reading it back, it looks like I am saying that I am alone... but I have to correct that, I am never alone... Dave is by my side the holding my hand the whole way through.... I am so worried because of Dave's history (losing his mum to breast cancer) so I try to be there for him too.... I know he is being strong for me, but I worry who is being strong for him.
What I meant about feeling alone is... a but a of jealousy I suppose... Micky has always come to me when something is worrying her, and we talk it over... but this time, Micky is turning to her dad and I am having a hard time handling that.
I think today it has finally hit me... I started rowing with Dave over something silly, and then started crying.... but it wasn't just normal tears... it was hysterical sobbing, and I just kept shouting "I went in with a bloody blocked milk gland!" and I kept repeating it, getting louder and louder each time.... Dave just sat, holding me until I started to calm down, and then we talked about everything that was worrying me and how scared I was and how I was worrying about him and Micky. and when we had talked everything through, Dave laughed and said "See how well I know you? I have to cause a row before you open up!" So I asked him if he had done it on purpose, and he said of course he had, He said knew I needed to let it out.
That shows me how well tuned we are, he always seems to know what I need to hear..... What I need to say. I love him so much.
I know he is strong and I know he is staying strong for the rest of us.... but he is my husband and I love him so much, I can't help worrying about him.... even though he is worrying about me.
Ryan came up to me after and gave me a cuddle and started crying, and said he didn't want to admit it was happening to HIS mum, and he didn't realise all the hell I had been through, So Dave told him to read my blog right from the beginning so he could see exactly what was going through my mind
After reading my blog back, I can see that my emotions are all over the place, and I quite often go off at odd tangents all the time. But I guess it's because my head is such a mess..... I am having a double mastectomy on Wednesday and I have to get used to the idea.
today Dave told me that he has read my last entry, After reading it back, it looks like I am saying that I am alone... but I have to correct that, I am never alone... Dave is by my side the holding my hand the whole way through.... I am so worried because of Dave's history (losing his mum to breast cancer) so I try to be there for him too.... I know he is being strong for me, but I worry who is being strong for him.
What I meant about feeling alone is... a but a of jealousy I suppose... Micky has always come to me when something is worrying her, and we talk it over... but this time, Micky is turning to her dad and I am having a hard time handling that.
I think today it has finally hit me... I started rowing with Dave over something silly, and then started crying.... but it wasn't just normal tears... it was hysterical sobbing, and I just kept shouting "I went in with a bloody blocked milk gland!" and I kept repeating it, getting louder and louder each time.... Dave just sat, holding me until I started to calm down, and then we talked about everything that was worrying me and how scared I was and how I was worrying about him and Micky. and when we had talked everything through, Dave laughed and said "See how well I know you? I have to cause a row before you open up!" So I asked him if he had done it on purpose, and he said of course he had, He said knew I needed to let it out.
That shows me how well tuned we are, he always seems to know what I need to hear..... What I need to say. I love him so much.
I know he is strong and I know he is staying strong for the rest of us.... but he is my husband and I love him so much, I can't help worrying about him.... even though he is worrying about me.
Ryan came up to me after and gave me a cuddle and started crying, and said he didn't want to admit it was happening to HIS mum, and he didn't realise all the hell I had been through, So Dave told him to read my blog right from the beginning so he could see exactly what was going through my mind
After reading my blog back, I can see that my emotions are all over the place, and I quite often go off at odd tangents all the time. But I guess it's because my head is such a mess..... I am having a double mastectomy on Wednesday and I have to get used to the idea.
Saturday 11 September 2010
Saturday 11th September
What a strange day this has been..... I can't really describe how I feel because I don't really know myself.... but I will give it a go.
I feel very calm...... strangely calm in fact, I feel like I should be screaming at the injustice of it all..... as if finding out I have a lump in breast wasn't enough, I find out I have cancer.... but is that the end of it??????? No.... two breasts, two different types of cancer at the same time... well I don't do things by halves do I?
Just five short weeks ago, I first found out I had a lump and every time I went to the Jasmine suite, the bad news got worse and worse until my last visit, when I got told I have to have a double mastectomy.
My mind has kind of shut down.... information overload
I know Dave is worried sick and Ryan and Micky (my son and daughter) are scared to death.... but none of them really talk to me about it.... Dave tells me to take my sleeping tablets and stays with me until I fall asleep, then he goes downstairs and sits on his own.... and worry's!
Micky has got a bit weepy, but only with her dad... If I go anywhere near them, she stops crying and tries to be strong for me.... it's like they are all together in their fear and grief.. and I'm not included.
I know that sounds really selfish and I don't want to come across that ways.... but I cant cry alone... That's not me.
I feel like physically fine... What I don't understand is... I feel fine, but I am full of cancer, and after Wednesday, when I will be in pain and feeling ill, that is the time I will be cancer free.
I am a member of a couple of cancer groups, and the people on there really have helped me.... but they have also let me know that this is the easy bit..... once the operation is out of the way, things will get harder..... what could be harder than THIS?
I thought it was the not knowing that was driving me mad.... but I think that knowing this, is worse than not knowing.
I am trying to take baby steps, just one thing at a time..... next step, double mastectomy.... I cant think beyond that.
I am trying to be strong..... I am trying not to feel sorry for myself..... I am trying to be a good mother and a loving wife.
I don't want to be that woman with breast cancer that every body has to look after.
Please can I go to bed tonight and then wake up in the morning and find out it has all been a horrible nightmare?
I feel very calm...... strangely calm in fact, I feel like I should be screaming at the injustice of it all..... as if finding out I have a lump in breast wasn't enough, I find out I have cancer.... but is that the end of it??????? No.... two breasts, two different types of cancer at the same time... well I don't do things by halves do I?
Just five short weeks ago, I first found out I had a lump and every time I went to the Jasmine suite, the bad news got worse and worse until my last visit, when I got told I have to have a double mastectomy.
My mind has kind of shut down.... information overload
I know Dave is worried sick and Ryan and Micky (my son and daughter) are scared to death.... but none of them really talk to me about it.... Dave tells me to take my sleeping tablets and stays with me until I fall asleep, then he goes downstairs and sits on his own.... and worry's!
Micky has got a bit weepy, but only with her dad... If I go anywhere near them, she stops crying and tries to be strong for me.... it's like they are all together in their fear and grief.. and I'm not included.
I know that sounds really selfish and I don't want to come across that ways.... but I cant cry alone... That's not me.
I feel like physically fine... What I don't understand is... I feel fine, but I am full of cancer, and after Wednesday, when I will be in pain and feeling ill, that is the time I will be cancer free.
I am a member of a couple of cancer groups, and the people on there really have helped me.... but they have also let me know that this is the easy bit..... once the operation is out of the way, things will get harder..... what could be harder than THIS?
I thought it was the not knowing that was driving me mad.... but I think that knowing this, is worse than not knowing.
I am trying to take baby steps, just one thing at a time..... next step, double mastectomy.... I cant think beyond that.
I am trying to be strong..... I am trying not to feel sorry for myself..... I am trying to be a good mother and a loving wife.
I don't want to be that woman with breast cancer that every body has to look after.
Please can I go to bed tonight and then wake up in the morning and find out it has all been a horrible nightmare?
Friday 10 September 2010
Friday 10 September
Barbara came today... She sat down and listened to what I had decided, and she listened to my reasons for coming to the decision.. and she agreed that she thought I had made the right decision for me... She said I seemed very positive and a lot calmer now that I had made my choice.
We agreed that the surgery date is going to be Wednesday 15th September... which is next wednesday.
I have got an appointment for Tuesday to go in the Jasmine suite and have my final appointment. Have my bloods taken, sign my consent forms and get to ask any last minute questions.
She did make a point of telling me that this is a major operation I will be having, and I must make sure to take it easy when I get home... but I don't have to go to bed.
Even though I have made a definite decision to have a double mastectomy, I think I am still in a bit of shock.... I feel fine in my self, not even very scared, it still feels like it is happening to somebody else... It might sink in over the next few days or it might not.... but at least I am coping.
Now I have to make sure I have everything I need for the hospital, pyjama's, dressing gown, slippers etc.... not forgetting my nicotine patches... lol.
For the first time in a long time I actually feel hungry today.... so I am going to make a nice chicken salad for me and Micky chicken and chips for Dave and Ryan.
So I am off to the shop to get something nice for tea.... and I'm going to try and have a fun weekend, while I can. Xxx
We agreed that the surgery date is going to be Wednesday 15th September... which is next wednesday.
I have got an appointment for Tuesday to go in the Jasmine suite and have my final appointment. Have my bloods taken, sign my consent forms and get to ask any last minute questions.
She did make a point of telling me that this is a major operation I will be having, and I must make sure to take it easy when I get home... but I don't have to go to bed.
Even though I have made a definite decision to have a double mastectomy, I think I am still in a bit of shock.... I feel fine in my self, not even very scared, it still feels like it is happening to somebody else... It might sink in over the next few days or it might not.... but at least I am coping.
Now I have to make sure I have everything I need for the hospital, pyjama's, dressing gown, slippers etc.... not forgetting my nicotine patches... lol.
For the first time in a long time I actually feel hungry today.... so I am going to make a nice chicken salad for me and Micky chicken and chips for Dave and Ryan.
So I am off to the shop to get something nice for tea.... and I'm going to try and have a fun weekend, while I can. Xxx
Thursday 9 September 2010
Thurday 9th September (continued)
It's been a very strange day today.... my head has been all over the place, I have got all sorts going through my head today..... but I know I have got to make a real decision... and the worse things is... I have got to make the decision myself, and then talk it through with Dave.
So it's time to try and put the jumble that is the inside of my head at the moment.
One of my biggest worries is that I have issues about the way I look, Dave thinks I look gorgeous, But these are my issues.... When the operation is done, I will have to cope with the scars and what is left behind...
If I go for the mastectomy and quadrantectomy, I will be dealing with two very different scars and also I will have a nipple-less miss-shaped lump of flesh.... and if that wasn't enough, I would get myself very paranoid about the invasive lobular cancer coming back as it is prone to re-occurring in the opposite breast at a later date.
If I opt for the double mastectomy.... I get two even matching scars, and the knowledge that the breast cancer won't come back.
Once I had got it straight in my head, the decision is made..... I went to talk to Dave about what I had decided, and he was brilliant, he told me that in his eyes I had made the right decision... but it was a decision I had to make myself.... he explained to me that he would rather I had the double mastectomy than risk losing me.
I was worried about losing my femininity.... but what is feminine about a deformed lump of flesh stuck on my chest... it might be a bit different if the nipple was going to be left... what was being left behind wouldn't even resemble a breast.
Once i had written it all down and read it back to myself, it started to make sense, and I could see that I only ever really had one choice.
And I am a lot more at peace with myself now I have actually come to a decision.
no doubt I will be plagued with worries over the next few day, just general worries about the surgery.
It's a major operation at the end of the day and I am scared.... but I will deal with that one day at a time.
The doctor has prescribed me some Zopiclone just to help me sleep, because if I'm honest, I haven't had a complete night's sleep since I found out about my cancer.
But at least now I can tell Barbara tomorrow and she can arrange for me to have an appointment so I can go in and they can explain exactly what I will be able to expect during my operation.
God I'm so scared..... will I be able to cope with having both my breasts removed?
I think I will be able to cope a bit better than I would cope with getting breast cancer again in a couple of years..... But I'm still scared.
So it's time to try and put the jumble that is the inside of my head at the moment.
One of my biggest worries is that I have issues about the way I look, Dave thinks I look gorgeous, But these are my issues.... When the operation is done, I will have to cope with the scars and what is left behind...
If I go for the mastectomy and quadrantectomy, I will be dealing with two very different scars and also I will have a nipple-less miss-shaped lump of flesh.... and if that wasn't enough, I would get myself very paranoid about the invasive lobular cancer coming back as it is prone to re-occurring in the opposite breast at a later date.
If I opt for the double mastectomy.... I get two even matching scars, and the knowledge that the breast cancer won't come back.
Once I had got it straight in my head, the decision is made..... I went to talk to Dave about what I had decided, and he was brilliant, he told me that in his eyes I had made the right decision... but it was a decision I had to make myself.... he explained to me that he would rather I had the double mastectomy than risk losing me.
I was worried about losing my femininity.... but what is feminine about a deformed lump of flesh stuck on my chest... it might be a bit different if the nipple was going to be left... what was being left behind wouldn't even resemble a breast.
Once i had written it all down and read it back to myself, it started to make sense, and I could see that I only ever really had one choice.
And I am a lot more at peace with myself now I have actually come to a decision.
no doubt I will be plagued with worries over the next few day, just general worries about the surgery.
It's a major operation at the end of the day and I am scared.... but I will deal with that one day at a time.
The doctor has prescribed me some Zopiclone just to help me sleep, because if I'm honest, I haven't had a complete night's sleep since I found out about my cancer.
But at least now I can tell Barbara tomorrow and she can arrange for me to have an appointment so I can go in and they can explain exactly what I will be able to expect during my operation.
God I'm so scared..... will I be able to cope with having both my breasts removed?
I think I will be able to cope a bit better than I would cope with getting breast cancer again in a couple of years..... But I'm still scared.
Thurday 9th September
I am still trying to get my head round the decisions I have to make.
How can I make that decision.... ?
Although it was a shock being told that I have to have a mastectomy of my right breast.... It made things so much easier for me because all I had to do was agree and get my head round what they said.
This time I am in a bit of a mess.... I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.
My head is telling me to do one thing and my heart is telling me another.
I feel like the responsible thing to do is.... to agree to a bi lateral mastectomy.... but that is a big operation, and in my messed up head it's like if I agree to lose both of my breasts it will be like losing my femininity, but I know if I make that choice then there is no chance of the lobular cancer coming back at a later date.
But my heart is saying, just have the quadrantectomy because although I will be losing part of my breast and my nipple, I will still have some of my own breast left and will still have some of my femininity left.
I know this is my decision to make, but my head is such a mess.... when I ask Dave what to do, he just says he will back me up what ever decision I make.
My GP has just rung me up and asked how I am doing.... What could I say? so I told her about the dilema I am facing and she is getting me a prescription for something to help me sleep... maybe with a solid night's sleep under my belt I will be able to think a bit better.
She also gave me a bit of advice, she told me that if I have both breasts removed, when I have the reconstructive surgery, both breasts will be even. and I won't have to worry about re-occurring breast cancer.
Dave hasn't slept very much himself and I am worrying about him and how he's coping with what we are facing..... but if I mention it to him, he just tells me not to worry about him, he's not the one who has got this ahead of him..... but he does, having breast cancer has made me realise that breast cancer doesn't just affect the woman who has it but all her family and friends as well.
I know breast cancer seems to take away a woman's femininity but it takes away a lot more as well, it seems like I am not allowed to worry about anyone else, because they are too busy worrying about me....
I am a woman, a wife, a mother and a cancer sufferer..... but to me it seems like being the last takes away from being the other three.
Physically I haven't changed, I haven't even had any surgery yet.... but everybody is treating me like a patient already... Friends who have been fine with me before, don't know what to say to me... so they just talk round me.
Dave is being brilliant with me... I know that without him I would be a pile of snot and tears.... At the moment he is holding me up and keeping me strong... but at what cost to him? I love him so much, but I know before this gets better it's going to get a lot worse. and if I'm honest, I'm really scared.
How can I make that decision.... ?
Although it was a shock being told that I have to have a mastectomy of my right breast.... It made things so much easier for me because all I had to do was agree and get my head round what they said.
This time I am in a bit of a mess.... I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.
My head is telling me to do one thing and my heart is telling me another.
I feel like the responsible thing to do is.... to agree to a bi lateral mastectomy.... but that is a big operation, and in my messed up head it's like if I agree to lose both of my breasts it will be like losing my femininity, but I know if I make that choice then there is no chance of the lobular cancer coming back at a later date.
But my heart is saying, just have the quadrantectomy because although I will be losing part of my breast and my nipple, I will still have some of my own breast left and will still have some of my femininity left.
I know this is my decision to make, but my head is such a mess.... when I ask Dave what to do, he just says he will back me up what ever decision I make.
My GP has just rung me up and asked how I am doing.... What could I say? so I told her about the dilema I am facing and she is getting me a prescription for something to help me sleep... maybe with a solid night's sleep under my belt I will be able to think a bit better.
She also gave me a bit of advice, she told me that if I have both breasts removed, when I have the reconstructive surgery, both breasts will be even. and I won't have to worry about re-occurring breast cancer.
Dave hasn't slept very much himself and I am worrying about him and how he's coping with what we are facing..... but if I mention it to him, he just tells me not to worry about him, he's not the one who has got this ahead of him..... but he does, having breast cancer has made me realise that breast cancer doesn't just affect the woman who has it but all her family and friends as well.
I know breast cancer seems to take away a woman's femininity but it takes away a lot more as well, it seems like I am not allowed to worry about anyone else, because they are too busy worrying about me....
I am a woman, a wife, a mother and a cancer sufferer..... but to me it seems like being the last takes away from being the other three.
Physically I haven't changed, I haven't even had any surgery yet.... but everybody is treating me like a patient already... Friends who have been fine with me before, don't know what to say to me... so they just talk round me.
Dave is being brilliant with me... I know that without him I would be a pile of snot and tears.... At the moment he is holding me up and keeping me strong... but at what cost to him? I love him so much, but I know before this gets better it's going to get a lot worse. and if I'm honest, I'm really scared.
Wednesday 8 September 2010
Wednesday Continued... Final results
We got to the Jasmine suite and signed in at reception (new receptionist) and sat down to wait, I can't begin to explain how I felt... excited and a bit scared, because I was finally going to find out what to happen.
Jenna (the registrar) walked past and said to Dave "you wont be waiting long"... we just sat there hold each others hands, the suddenly Barbara walked round the corner and said "are you ready?" so we walked through, she showed us into an exam room and said she would be back in a minute.... She came back in a few minutes later, with Jenna and a big file, Jenna sat down and said, "before I give you any answers, what do you already know?" so I explained that I knew I had to have a mastectomy of my right breast and I knew that the MRI had found "something" in my left breast and I had had 3 biopsies taken of that and I was waiting for the results.
So she told me that the "something" in my left breast was definitely Cancer, but it was a different type of cancer, In my right breast I have "Invasive lobular carcinoma" and in my left breast I have "Invasive ductal carcinoma"..... I don't do things by halves do I?
Jenna said she would go and speak to the top surgeon who has agreed to talk to me and explain my options, and she left.... Barbara stayed and talked to us a bit longer, she explained that it didn't matter who did my surgery... who ever did it, the operation would be the same.... Then she asked if we wanted a cuppa..... "hell yes"! so she fetched me a coffee and Dave a tea and then left us to talk for 10 or 15 minutes.
We started to talk about what we were going to do.... but it was like I had hit an information overload.... my mind just shut down.
Jenna and Barbara came back in with the top surgeon, he looked at the file and asked if it would be ok if he examined me, so I said yes, Barbara got me a gown and helped me undress behind the curtain, and the surgeon came and examined my left breast, then he told me that I could get dressed... so I did... when I came back from behind the curtain, Dave looked at me and said "that's the only other bloke I would let touch your boobs" it made me giggle.
The surgeon then sat down and told us all the options, he explained that without the pre-existing problem in my right breast, they would probably offer a lumpectomy, with a chance of having to go back and have further tissue removed at a later date.... but because I was having to have a mastectomy on the right side, he recommended a quadrantectomy, which means he is going to take a section about a quarter of my breast, but because the cancer is close to my nipple he will be removing that as well.... and he also explained because of the cancer in my other breast I have a legal right to have a full mastectomy on the left side as well as the right... It's my choice.... he explained in detail what would happen but I couldn't take it in... he then told us if we needed to speak to him again they could make us an appointment Monday or Tuesday next week and then he left and Jenna followed... Barbara stayed.... I think she could see the confusion on my face, she explained that it was my choice and she didn't expect me to make the decision immediately, she would come to the house to see us on Friday at about 12 and we could make some decisions together when I had had a bit of time to let things sink in... She also explained that the ductal cancer was only grade 1 (about 1cm) and the MRI had shown that the rest of my left breast was clear with no sign of calcification (what ever that means)
We made no appointments to go back, Barbara will arrange all that on Friday when she comes round..
Dave put his arm around me and we slowly walked out of the Jasmine suite and out of the hospital.
It doesn't feel real..... it's almost like it's happening to someone else.
Dave has said he will back me what ever decision I make.... and I have so much support from friends and family.... So why do I feel so alone with this massive decision?
Jenna (the registrar) walked past and said to Dave "you wont be waiting long"... we just sat there hold each others hands, the suddenly Barbara walked round the corner and said "are you ready?" so we walked through, she showed us into an exam room and said she would be back in a minute.... She came back in a few minutes later, with Jenna and a big file, Jenna sat down and said, "before I give you any answers, what do you already know?" so I explained that I knew I had to have a mastectomy of my right breast and I knew that the MRI had found "something" in my left breast and I had had 3 biopsies taken of that and I was waiting for the results.
So she told me that the "something" in my left breast was definitely Cancer, but it was a different type of cancer, In my right breast I have "Invasive lobular carcinoma" and in my left breast I have "Invasive ductal carcinoma"..... I don't do things by halves do I?
Jenna said she would go and speak to the top surgeon who has agreed to talk to me and explain my options, and she left.... Barbara stayed and talked to us a bit longer, she explained that it didn't matter who did my surgery... who ever did it, the operation would be the same.... Then she asked if we wanted a cuppa..... "hell yes"! so she fetched me a coffee and Dave a tea and then left us to talk for 10 or 15 minutes.
We started to talk about what we were going to do.... but it was like I had hit an information overload.... my mind just shut down.
Jenna and Barbara came back in with the top surgeon, he looked at the file and asked if it would be ok if he examined me, so I said yes, Barbara got me a gown and helped me undress behind the curtain, and the surgeon came and examined my left breast, then he told me that I could get dressed... so I did... when I came back from behind the curtain, Dave looked at me and said "that's the only other bloke I would let touch your boobs" it made me giggle.
The surgeon then sat down and told us all the options, he explained that without the pre-existing problem in my right breast, they would probably offer a lumpectomy, with a chance of having to go back and have further tissue removed at a later date.... but because I was having to have a mastectomy on the right side, he recommended a quadrantectomy, which means he is going to take a section about a quarter of my breast, but because the cancer is close to my nipple he will be removing that as well.... and he also explained because of the cancer in my other breast I have a legal right to have a full mastectomy on the left side as well as the right... It's my choice.... he explained in detail what would happen but I couldn't take it in... he then told us if we needed to speak to him again they could make us an appointment Monday or Tuesday next week and then he left and Jenna followed... Barbara stayed.... I think she could see the confusion on my face, she explained that it was my choice and she didn't expect me to make the decision immediately, she would come to the house to see us on Friday at about 12 and we could make some decisions together when I had had a bit of time to let things sink in... She also explained that the ductal cancer was only grade 1 (about 1cm) and the MRI had shown that the rest of my left breast was clear with no sign of calcification (what ever that means)
We made no appointments to go back, Barbara will arrange all that on Friday when she comes round..
Dave put his arm around me and we slowly walked out of the Jasmine suite and out of the hospital.
It doesn't feel real..... it's almost like it's happening to someone else.
Dave has said he will back me what ever decision I make.... and I have so much support from friends and family.... So why do I feel so alone with this massive decision?
Wednesday 8th September
I have just had a phone call From Jenna (The registrar) it turns out that they have my results today....
After all that messing around and upset, the lab managed to get them sorted for today.
I feel a bit excited now... I am finally going to find out what is going on.
I will find out if I have cancer in my left breast as well as my right one.
I know I have to have my right breast totally removed, but now I find out what "the something" is that the MRI found in my left breast.... Then I have to try and sort out all the questions that are buzzing round my head.
But to be honest, I can't sort them out until I know if I have cancer in my left breast.
I was that down and despondent from the fiasco yesterday that I haven't even bothered getting dressed today..... Now it looks like I had better shift my backside and get washed and dressed.
After all that messing around and upset, the lab managed to get them sorted for today.
I feel a bit excited now... I am finally going to find out what is going on.
I will find out if I have cancer in my left breast as well as my right one.
I know I have to have my right breast totally removed, but now I find out what "the something" is that the MRI found in my left breast.... Then I have to try and sort out all the questions that are buzzing round my head.
But to be honest, I can't sort them out until I know if I have cancer in my left breast.
I was that down and despondent from the fiasco yesterday that I haven't even bothered getting dressed today..... Now it looks like I had better shift my backside and get washed and dressed.
Tuesday 7 September 2010
Tuesday 7th September Results (again)
Another lousy night's sleep... I have been throwing up for the last 24 hours.... I haven't even been able to keep a cup of tea down I have been that nervous about finally getting my results. Especially after the fiasco last Friday, when my results weren't ready.
We got to the Jasmine suite, I didn't even need to sign in, I got to reception and the receptionist smiled and said "hello Caroline, take a seat". We were only waiting for 15 minutes until a nurse called my name and took us to an examination room, we weren't in there more than a minute or two when Barbara walked in with another woman who introduced herself as a junior registrar who is covering for Ms Rogers. I noticed that Barbara didn't look very happy, but I thought maybe my results were not that good.
I couldn't believe it when the Registrar apologised and told me that my results were still not back.....
I can't believe they did it to me again!!!!!!!!!!
I just started crying.... "why did nobody tell us? the receptionist promised on Friday that if the results weren't back, she would ring us"
Dave was fuming, and to be honest, so was Barbara... She said she would go and sort it out with the receptionist.... and she made her apologise to us.
Dave demanded an explanation as to why these tests have taken 12 days so far and I have been called in twice with no results.
I know Barbara explained things to Dave but I didn't really take in what was said.... all I could think of was "how could they do this to me twice?"
"When will this waiting stop?" "how much more do I have to cope with?"
Then my mind just stopped working.... I think I just kind of shut off. Even now I still feel kind of numb.
I do know that the young registrar says she is going to ring us on Friday before my appointment.... and there is even a chance they will ring sometime during the week, if the results come in before Friday so we can go in and find out what is going on.
I will probably write a bit more tomorrow, but at the moment I think the only words to describe how I feel are stunned and a bit lost.
I just want to know what is happening!!!!!!
We got to the Jasmine suite, I didn't even need to sign in, I got to reception and the receptionist smiled and said "hello Caroline, take a seat". We were only waiting for 15 minutes until a nurse called my name and took us to an examination room, we weren't in there more than a minute or two when Barbara walked in with another woman who introduced herself as a junior registrar who is covering for Ms Rogers. I noticed that Barbara didn't look very happy, but I thought maybe my results were not that good.
I couldn't believe it when the Registrar apologised and told me that my results were still not back.....
I can't believe they did it to me again!!!!!!!!!!
I just started crying.... "why did nobody tell us? the receptionist promised on Friday that if the results weren't back, she would ring us"
Dave was fuming, and to be honest, so was Barbara... She said she would go and sort it out with the receptionist.... and she made her apologise to us.
Dave demanded an explanation as to why these tests have taken 12 days so far and I have been called in twice with no results.
I know Barbara explained things to Dave but I didn't really take in what was said.... all I could think of was "how could they do this to me twice?"
"When will this waiting stop?" "how much more do I have to cope with?"
Then my mind just stopped working.... I think I just kind of shut off. Even now I still feel kind of numb.
I do know that the young registrar says she is going to ring us on Friday before my appointment.... and there is even a chance they will ring sometime during the week, if the results come in before Friday so we can go in and find out what is going on.
I will probably write a bit more tomorrow, but at the moment I think the only words to describe how I feel are stunned and a bit lost.
I just want to know what is happening!!!!!!
Friday 3rd September RESULTS
Finally after all this waiting... I am going to get my final set of results.... Ever since I first found this lump it has been just tests... results.... more tests... more results... it's a never ending cycle. when I get today I out of the way I know I will be able to get on with my cure.
I haven't been able to eat properly, I just feel a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I know it's only nerves... I keep waking up during the night, I just feel so stressed all the time, I will be glad when I know exactly what I'm up against.
We arrived at the hospital, and i went straight to the bloods unit because I have to have a blood test to find my blood type and make sure they have some stored up ready for my operation Next wednesday.
I had my blood test and went to the Jasmine suite ready to face my future.
I signed in and then we sat there, I was hanging on to Dave's hand like my life depended on it... We sat and talked about what we would do if I lost both of my breasts.... and Dave me feel better about what was to come.... I knew that what ever the results, I wouldn't have to face it alone.
After waiting for 45 minutes, a nurse called my name and took us into an examination room.
As we sat there waiting, I kept looking at the door and then looking at Dave... I felt sort of excited... My last set of results and then we could start getting rid of this cancer.
Ms Rogers and Babara came in to the room, they both looked quite serious and I gripped Dave's hand tighter.... I was expecting bad news but I wasn't expecting what they told me!
Ms Rogers looked at us and told us that my results weren't back from the lab yet.... but it had been a week??
Dave asked why? what was the hold up? Ms Rogers just said the lab was busy.... She told us that they should be back by next Tuesday, but unfortunately the delay in getting my results back meant my surgery would be cancelled again... She told us she was very sorry and then she left us with barbara.
Barbara made us an appointment for the following Tuesday and then we left.
When we left the hospital Dave was fuming, he said he couldn't believe that they could do that to us, Just leaving us in limbo like that.
I was just stunned, I almost felt like they had rushed to find the cancer and now they were just going to leave it to spread until they got round to sorting it out.... I know that's a stupid way to think of it, but my head wasn't really all there.
I was scared they were going to take both my breasts off and leave me with none at all..... but I was also scared they were going to leave my left breast and with it the possibility of going through this all over again.
I just wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with.... I think It's the not knowing that is doing my head in so much.
I haven't been able to eat properly, I just feel a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I know it's only nerves... I keep waking up during the night, I just feel so stressed all the time, I will be glad when I know exactly what I'm up against.
We arrived at the hospital, and i went straight to the bloods unit because I have to have a blood test to find my blood type and make sure they have some stored up ready for my operation Next wednesday.
I had my blood test and went to the Jasmine suite ready to face my future.
I signed in and then we sat there, I was hanging on to Dave's hand like my life depended on it... We sat and talked about what we would do if I lost both of my breasts.... and Dave me feel better about what was to come.... I knew that what ever the results, I wouldn't have to face it alone.
After waiting for 45 minutes, a nurse called my name and took us into an examination room.
As we sat there waiting, I kept looking at the door and then looking at Dave... I felt sort of excited... My last set of results and then we could start getting rid of this cancer.
Ms Rogers and Babara came in to the room, they both looked quite serious and I gripped Dave's hand tighter.... I was expecting bad news but I wasn't expecting what they told me!
Ms Rogers looked at us and told us that my results weren't back from the lab yet.... but it had been a week??
Dave asked why? what was the hold up? Ms Rogers just said the lab was busy.... She told us that they should be back by next Tuesday, but unfortunately the delay in getting my results back meant my surgery would be cancelled again... She told us she was very sorry and then she left us with barbara.
Barbara made us an appointment for the following Tuesday and then we left.
When we left the hospital Dave was fuming, he said he couldn't believe that they could do that to us, Just leaving us in limbo like that.
I was just stunned, I almost felt like they had rushed to find the cancer and now they were just going to leave it to spread until they got round to sorting it out.... I know that's a stupid way to think of it, but my head wasn't really all there.
I was scared they were going to take both my breasts off and leave me with none at all..... but I was also scared they were going to leave my left breast and with it the possibility of going through this all over again.
I just wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with.... I think It's the not knowing that is doing my head in so much.
Monday 6 September 2010
Wednesday 1st September HAIRCUT
Today is the day I was first given for my surgery. Unfortunately it was cancelled.
Today I went to get my hair cut..... I was so scared because my hair is my crowning glory but knew I had to be pratical.
I asked Dave to take some pictures of my lovely long hair before I went so I could do the before and after shots..... He was so supportive, bless him because he has always loved my long hair.... he even took the camera with us when we went to get my hair cut so he could get some photo's while I was having my hair cut.
We went into the hairdressers and noticed that the woman we had spoken to yesterday wasn't there, but there was a young hairdresser who was wearing a pink breast cancer awareness bracelet and ribbon, we spoke to her and explained that I was due to have a mastectomy and needed to have my hair cut, and I also told her it was a very emotional thing for me to do and I would probably get quite upset, but that wouldn't be because she was doing anything wrong, it would be because of the situation.
I sat down in the seat and she started to section my hair and cut it.... I was ok to start with until she got to the side, and when I saw the ends of my hair swinging around my shoulders, the tears started to roll down my face, and the more hair she cut, the more I cried.... I felt so sorry for the poor girl and kept trying to apologise, but she was brilliant and said breast cancer affected her family she had lost one of her aunts to breast cancer and another of her Aunts was a breast cancer survivor.
She did such a good job on my hair and even gave Dave a big handful of my long hair from the floor so he could save it.
When she had finished, we tried to pay for the hair cut, and she wouldn't take any payment at all, Dave even tried to give her some money to get herself a drink...... but she was adamant that she didn't want any money.... She wished me luck and told me if I wanted it trimming or sorting for chemo to go and see her..... she was lovely.
We went back in half an hour later and took her a lovely bunch of flowers, at first she wasn't going to accept them until I explained to her that she had made a very traumatic experience a lot more painless and restored my faith in people
Then I went home and cried my eyes out..... everybody says it looks lovely and takes years off me... but I am still trying to get used to it..... no doubt I will learn to live with it.
It made me realise how important a woman's hair is to her....... And how cancer seems to take away the very essence of our femininity.... But I refuse to let it... I am not a victim....
I am a woman who happens to have breast cancer and short hair.
Today I went to get my hair cut..... I was so scared because my hair is my crowning glory but knew I had to be pratical.
I asked Dave to take some pictures of my lovely long hair before I went so I could do the before and after shots..... He was so supportive, bless him because he has always loved my long hair.... he even took the camera with us when we went to get my hair cut so he could get some photo's while I was having my hair cut.
We went into the hairdressers and noticed that the woman we had spoken to yesterday wasn't there, but there was a young hairdresser who was wearing a pink breast cancer awareness bracelet and ribbon, we spoke to her and explained that I was due to have a mastectomy and needed to have my hair cut, and I also told her it was a very emotional thing for me to do and I would probably get quite upset, but that wouldn't be because she was doing anything wrong, it would be because of the situation.
I sat down in the seat and she started to section my hair and cut it.... I was ok to start with until she got to the side, and when I saw the ends of my hair swinging around my shoulders, the tears started to roll down my face, and the more hair she cut, the more I cried.... I felt so sorry for the poor girl and kept trying to apologise, but she was brilliant and said breast cancer affected her family she had lost one of her aunts to breast cancer and another of her Aunts was a breast cancer survivor.
She did such a good job on my hair and even gave Dave a big handful of my long hair from the floor so he could save it.
When she had finished, we tried to pay for the hair cut, and she wouldn't take any payment at all, Dave even tried to give her some money to get herself a drink...... but she was adamant that she didn't want any money.... She wished me luck and told me if I wanted it trimming or sorting for chemo to go and see her..... she was lovely.
We went back in half an hour later and took her a lovely bunch of flowers, at first she wasn't going to accept them until I explained to her that she had made a very traumatic experience a lot more painless and restored my faith in people
Then I went home and cried my eyes out..... everybody says it looks lovely and takes years off me... but I am still trying to get used to it..... no doubt I will learn to live with it.
It made me realise how important a woman's hair is to her....... And how cancer seems to take away the very essence of our femininity.... But I refuse to let it... I am not a victim....
I am a woman who happens to have breast cancer and short hair.
Tuesday 31st August
Today I made a decision to take a bit of control, I have decided that as I am having a mastectomy, my hair will be too long to manage so I am going to make an appointment to get it cut... I think this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make, but being practical... I wont have enough movement in my arms after the operation to be able to brush or wash my hair... Dave wont be able to manage it every day, Bless her, Micky said she would brush it for me everyday... but she will have enough to cope with, without being burdened with the responsibility of my hair..... I have been to the hairdresser and explained why I am having it cut and I am going in tomorrow to get it done.
I have decided to have a nice long soak in the bath.... loads of bubbles, a deep conditioning treatment for my hair, a nice glass of red and half an hour of peace and quiet.... Just what the doctor ordered.
I had shampooed my long hair and covered it in the conditioning treatment and clipped it up so the conditioned hair wouldn't dip into the bath water... some conditioner ran into my eye and it started watering and before i realised it, I was crying... Thinking that this is the last time I will have to clip my conditioned hair up, and that made me cry more (i tried not to cry loud because I didn't want anyone to hear me) but then it hit me... like a bloody great smack in the mouth, I WAS LOSING ONE OF MY BREASTS, probably both..... and the silent tears turned into gut wrenching sobbing.... and I couldn't stop.... Dave came into the bathroom... I just cried louder, we have only been married for two and a half years and he would be stuck with a wife with no boobs.... he said it was me he loved, not just my boobs.... but I said "but you liked my boobs, didn't you?" he said course he did... I cried even harder..... in the end he came to the side of the bath and just held me and cuddled me until the tears finally ran out
Then we sat there just talking for ages, discussing what the operation would mean to us... I told him that I was worried that he would go off me after the operation.... he told me he could never go off me because he loves the person that I am, not just the way I look.... he just seemed to know exactly what to say to make me feel better... So I told him about my biggest worry.... I have some issues with the way I look because of weight gained through medication (Dave loves me just as I am) but these are my own issues about the way I look, and I told him that I was worried that I would hate my scars so much that I wouldn't let him near me.... and his answer was brilliant... he didn't say anything silly that he thought I wanted to hear.... he just looked me in the eyes and said "we will deal with that when we get to it.... you just have to remember that I am in love with you".
My husband is my rock, without him I really don't think I would be able to cope half as well as I do now.
I have decided to have a nice long soak in the bath.... loads of bubbles, a deep conditioning treatment for my hair, a nice glass of red and half an hour of peace and quiet.... Just what the doctor ordered.
I had shampooed my long hair and covered it in the conditioning treatment and clipped it up so the conditioned hair wouldn't dip into the bath water... some conditioner ran into my eye and it started watering and before i realised it, I was crying... Thinking that this is the last time I will have to clip my conditioned hair up, and that made me cry more (i tried not to cry loud because I didn't want anyone to hear me) but then it hit me... like a bloody great smack in the mouth, I WAS LOSING ONE OF MY BREASTS, probably both..... and the silent tears turned into gut wrenching sobbing.... and I couldn't stop.... Dave came into the bathroom... I just cried louder, we have only been married for two and a half years and he would be stuck with a wife with no boobs.... he said it was me he loved, not just my boobs.... but I said "but you liked my boobs, didn't you?" he said course he did... I cried even harder..... in the end he came to the side of the bath and just held me and cuddled me until the tears finally ran out
Then we sat there just talking for ages, discussing what the operation would mean to us... I told him that I was worried that he would go off me after the operation.... he told me he could never go off me because he loves the person that I am, not just the way I look.... he just seemed to know exactly what to say to make me feel better... So I told him about my biggest worry.... I have some issues with the way I look because of weight gained through medication (Dave loves me just as I am) but these are my own issues about the way I look, and I told him that I was worried that I would hate my scars so much that I wouldn't let him near me.... and his answer was brilliant... he didn't say anything silly that he thought I wanted to hear.... he just looked me in the eyes and said "we will deal with that when we get to it.... you just have to remember that I am in love with you".
My husband is my rock, without him I really don't think I would be able to cope half as well as I do now.
Friday 27th August MRI Results
We turned up at the Jasmine suite on time for a change, signed in at reception and sat down to wait... My final set of results, This is my last appointment before my surgery next Wednesday.... Thank god, I have to say that the waiting has been the worst, but after today there will be no more waiting for results.
After 35 minutes in the waiting area, a nurse came and called my name, and with my husband holding my hand, we went into the little examination room to wait for the surgeon.... Ms Rogers (my surgeon) walked into the room followed by Barbara (my Macmillan nurse) Ms Rogers put her paperwork on the desk and said she was going to explain the MRI results because they were quite complicated... Me and Dave just looked at each other, we knew it wasn't good news then..... but never in my wildest dreams did I expect what was coming next.
She told me that the MRI has shown up another 6 or 7 tumours in my right breast, some of them quite near the nipple, there is no other choice, she is going to have to perform a mastectomy of my right breast.... My eyes filled with tears and I just looked at Dave... Oh god, it couldn't get any worse than this! Then Ms Rogers stated talking again, she told us that the MRI had also shown "something" in my left breast and they wanted to do an ultrasound scan and biopsy the "something", My surgery was cancelled and re-scheduled for Wednesday 8th September... She then said she was very sorry and she left, Barbara stayed so we could discuss things with her.
The tears were rolling down my face and I just kept saying "I only came in for a blocked milk gland", I must have looked like a total idiot, Dave put his arms round me and just held me tight while I cried for a minute or two and then I remembered my daughter was out in the waiting room so I calmed myself down, Barbara said they wanted to do the ultrasound and biopsy today... All I could think was, "my daughter has to be at the orthodontist in half an hour", bless her, she had waited for two and a half years to get this appointment.... Dave said he would take her and then come back and pick me up when they had finished. A nurse came in and fetched Dave and myself a cup of coffee and Barbara went out to the waiting area and fetched our daughter in and we told her the news, She had a little cry and then she was ok, Dave said it was time to go get her teeth done and Barbara said she would sort out the ultrasound... I asked if it would be ok if I walked them to the car, she said it would be fine, I just had to make sure I checked back in at reception when I got back.
As we walked through the hospital it was like I was in a daze, it wasn't that I needed to walk them to the car, I just desperately needed a cigarette. When we go outside of the hospital, Dave lit me a cigarette, gave a cuddle and told me that we would be fine, then he took our daughter to the orthodontist.
I sat on the wall outside the hospital and to be honest, I think my first cigarette just burned away between my fingers while I sat there, stunned.
I lit another cigarette, letting the nicotine get into my system and started thinking.. I finished my cigarette and started walking back into the hospital, I stopped at the little shop and bought a bottle of coke, I think I needed the sugar rush, when I got back to the Jasmine suite, I signed back in and just sat there watching the television, I couldn't tell you what I watched, I just sat there for the next hour with tears slowly rolling down my face, next thing I know, Dave walked back in with Micky (my daughter) he gave me a cuddle and told me that it was a good job he had always been an arse man, that made me giggle... Then the nurse came through and took me for my ultrasound and biopsy, When we were done, they made me an appointment for the following Friday, 3rd September for my results and let us go home.
We went home but I still don't think it has sunk in yet.
After 35 minutes in the waiting area, a nurse came and called my name, and with my husband holding my hand, we went into the little examination room to wait for the surgeon.... Ms Rogers (my surgeon) walked into the room followed by Barbara (my Macmillan nurse) Ms Rogers put her paperwork on the desk and said she was going to explain the MRI results because they were quite complicated... Me and Dave just looked at each other, we knew it wasn't good news then..... but never in my wildest dreams did I expect what was coming next.
She told me that the MRI has shown up another 6 or 7 tumours in my right breast, some of them quite near the nipple, there is no other choice, she is going to have to perform a mastectomy of my right breast.... My eyes filled with tears and I just looked at Dave... Oh god, it couldn't get any worse than this! Then Ms Rogers stated talking again, she told us that the MRI had also shown "something" in my left breast and they wanted to do an ultrasound scan and biopsy the "something", My surgery was cancelled and re-scheduled for Wednesday 8th September... She then said she was very sorry and she left, Barbara stayed so we could discuss things with her.
The tears were rolling down my face and I just kept saying "I only came in for a blocked milk gland", I must have looked like a total idiot, Dave put his arms round me and just held me tight while I cried for a minute or two and then I remembered my daughter was out in the waiting room so I calmed myself down, Barbara said they wanted to do the ultrasound and biopsy today... All I could think was, "my daughter has to be at the orthodontist in half an hour", bless her, she had waited for two and a half years to get this appointment.... Dave said he would take her and then come back and pick me up when they had finished. A nurse came in and fetched Dave and myself a cup of coffee and Barbara went out to the waiting area and fetched our daughter in and we told her the news, She had a little cry and then she was ok, Dave said it was time to go get her teeth done and Barbara said she would sort out the ultrasound... I asked if it would be ok if I walked them to the car, she said it would be fine, I just had to make sure I checked back in at reception when I got back.
As we walked through the hospital it was like I was in a daze, it wasn't that I needed to walk them to the car, I just desperately needed a cigarette. When we go outside of the hospital, Dave lit me a cigarette, gave a cuddle and told me that we would be fine, then he took our daughter to the orthodontist.
I sat on the wall outside the hospital and to be honest, I think my first cigarette just burned away between my fingers while I sat there, stunned.
I lit another cigarette, letting the nicotine get into my system and started thinking.. I finished my cigarette and started walking back into the hospital, I stopped at the little shop and bought a bottle of coke, I think I needed the sugar rush, when I got back to the Jasmine suite, I signed back in and just sat there watching the television, I couldn't tell you what I watched, I just sat there for the next hour with tears slowly rolling down my face, next thing I know, Dave walked back in with Micky (my daughter) he gave me a cuddle and told me that it was a good job he had always been an arse man, that made me giggle... Then the nurse came through and took me for my ultrasound and biopsy, When we were done, they made me an appointment for the following Friday, 3rd September for my results and let us go home.
We went home but I still don't think it has sunk in yet.
Sunday 5 September 2010
Tuesday 24th August MRI Scan
We left early to get to Nottingham hospital in plenty of time to find the MRI unit.... We got to the hospital in plenty of time, but once there, we kept getting lost trying to find the right department.... I was just snapping Dave's head off because I was so scared.... I didn't know what to expect and I heard so many conflicting stories that by the time I got there, I was terrified.
Eventually we arrived at the MRI unit and we were only 5 minutes late, I must say that the receptionist was a right miserable cow as well, but we had only been there about 10 minutes and I was called in.... A lovely nurse sat me down and explained exactly what to expect and she even told me how long it would take... So I popped out to the waiting room and told Dave and my daughter how long it would take.... at least they could go and get a coffee or something.
I got changed into a front fastening gown and went into the MRI room, I laid face down on the table, leaning on a wedge type chest support with 2 plastic cups positioned for me to hang my breasts in.... very undignified.... lol... they also put a canula in my hand do they could put some dye in my body during one of the scans... then they shoved me inside this big tube thing in the middle of the machine.
The Scans themselves were very noisy but totally painless.... I do think there should be more information about what to expect.... all that worry for nothing.
What a picture I must have made, face down on a table with my boobs dangling in cups shoved into a great big tube.... now I know what a smartie must feel like....lol
Eventually we arrived at the MRI unit and we were only 5 minutes late, I must say that the receptionist was a right miserable cow as well, but we had only been there about 10 minutes and I was called in.... A lovely nurse sat me down and explained exactly what to expect and she even told me how long it would take... So I popped out to the waiting room and told Dave and my daughter how long it would take.... at least they could go and get a coffee or something.
I got changed into a front fastening gown and went into the MRI room, I laid face down on the table, leaning on a wedge type chest support with 2 plastic cups positioned for me to hang my breasts in.... very undignified.... lol... they also put a canula in my hand do they could put some dye in my body during one of the scans... then they shoved me inside this big tube thing in the middle of the machine.
The Scans themselves were very noisy but totally painless.... I do think there should be more information about what to expect.... all that worry for nothing.
What a picture I must have made, face down on a table with my boobs dangling in cups shoved into a great big tube.... now I know what a smartie must feel like....lol
Monday 23rd August Pre-op assesment
Back to Jasmine suite again today, This time, we weren't waiting very long, a nurse came round and called my name, and both my husband and myself followed her to her office.
She explained that she was a theatre sister and she was just going to run through a few things that i was to expect during my operation, did my blood pressure and weight.
We must have been in there for about an hour, but I knew where I was going and what to expect and I have to say, she was lovely... She even gave me some special body wash to use to get my skin ready for surgery.
I left her office feeling quite confident and up beat about my surgery the following week.
Just the MRI to get out of the way
She explained that she was a theatre sister and she was just going to run through a few things that i was to expect during my operation, did my blood pressure and weight.
We must have been in there for about an hour, but I knew where I was going and what to expect and I have to say, she was lovely... She even gave me some special body wash to use to get my skin ready for surgery.
I left her office feeling quite confident and up beat about my surgery the following week.
Just the MRI to get out of the way
Tuesday 17th August
Just a quick appointment today to find the results of my lymph nodes.....
Yeeeeey, they are clear!
Then I got told I would be having a wide incision lumpectomy on Wednesday 1st September.
I also received appointments for my pre-op assesment and an MRI scan.
They told me that the MRI was just so they could pin point the exact size and placement of the lump..... bad news being, I have to have the MRI in Nottingham because our MRI scanner isn't online yet.
On the whole, a pretty good day I think.
Yeeeeey, they are clear!
Then I got told I would be having a wide incision lumpectomy on Wednesday 1st September.
I also received appointments for my pre-op assesment and an MRI scan.
They told me that the MRI was just so they could pin point the exact size and placement of the lump..... bad news being, I have to have the MRI in Nottingham because our MRI scanner isn't online yet.
On the whole, a pretty good day I think.
Friday 13th August
Back to the Jasmine suite today for an ultrasound on my lymph nodes.
I signed in at reception and then waited to be called, I was given a gown and taken round to the little waiting area for the ultrasound.... I must of waited for 45 minutes before someone came to take me in.
The consultant told me that 2 of my lymph nodes were enlarged and he wanted to biopsy them..... fair enough.... if it needs doing, then get on with it. he took a biopsy from one of them, and then the nurse started running around getting swabs and wipes and things... the consultant asked me if I was taking anti- coagulants so I told him I wasn't..... "are you sure" he said.... of course I'm bloody sure, i think I would remember that.. lol
When he tried to biopsy the second lymph node, he told me he couldn't see it because I'd had massive bleed... the biopsy needle had gone through a blood vessel..... it took the nurse another 10 minutes to stop the bleeding and mop up all the blood.
Eventually I left with a massive dressing under my arm.... followed later that night by a massive purple bruise.
But the biopsy the consultant did manage to take was clear.... so that's really good news..... It means the cancer hasn't spread through the lymph nodes.
I signed in at reception and then waited to be called, I was given a gown and taken round to the little waiting area for the ultrasound.... I must of waited for 45 minutes before someone came to take me in.
The consultant told me that 2 of my lymph nodes were enlarged and he wanted to biopsy them..... fair enough.... if it needs doing, then get on with it. he took a biopsy from one of them, and then the nurse started running around getting swabs and wipes and things... the consultant asked me if I was taking anti- coagulants so I told him I wasn't..... "are you sure" he said.... of course I'm bloody sure, i think I would remember that.. lol
When he tried to biopsy the second lymph node, he told me he couldn't see it because I'd had massive bleed... the biopsy needle had gone through a blood vessel..... it took the nurse another 10 minutes to stop the bleeding and mop up all the blood.
Eventually I left with a massive dressing under my arm.... followed later that night by a massive purple bruise.
But the biopsy the consultant did manage to take was clear.... so that's really good news..... It means the cancer hasn't spread through the lymph nodes.
Tuesday 10th August continued.
When we got home, we had a cup of tea... and Then Dave said, "let's go through to Grimsby tonight and tell Ryan instead of waiting til tomorrow" so I rang my mum and asked her if she would get Ryan (my son) at her house for when we got there.... She said she would invite him there for his tea.
When we got to my mum and dad's house, Ryan was already there, Dad made us all a cuppa and we sat and told Ryan that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer, we told him about the appointment I had on Friday and the only reason we never said anything to him on Friday was... all I could have told him was "I had breast cancer... maybe" I didn't know what type of cancer, what treatment I would be having or anything..... We decided to wait until it was confirmed and we knew the answer to his questions.
I think because i was sat i front of him, not looking poorly and not freaking out, he was ok with what we told him.... and I also promised that when ever I had any news, he would always be the first person we rang and told.
Ryan seemed ok with the news, so I asked my parents to keep an eye on him and we left to come home.... Ryan is 20 and has his own place in Cleethorpes, but I know he still worries.
But If I'm honest, I think we are all a bit worried.
When we got to my mum and dad's house, Ryan was already there, Dad made us all a cuppa and we sat and told Ryan that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer, we told him about the appointment I had on Friday and the only reason we never said anything to him on Friday was... all I could have told him was "I had breast cancer... maybe" I didn't know what type of cancer, what treatment I would be having or anything..... We decided to wait until it was confirmed and we knew the answer to his questions.
I think because i was sat i front of him, not looking poorly and not freaking out, he was ok with what we told him.... and I also promised that when ever I had any news, he would always be the first person we rang and told.
Ryan seemed ok with the news, so I asked my parents to keep an eye on him and we left to come home.... Ryan is 20 and has his own place in Cleethorpes, but I know he still worries.
But If I'm honest, I think we are all a bit worried.
Tuesday 10th August
After a very long and stressful weekend, we got ready to go back to the Jasmine suite to find out the results of my biopsies, I think we both knew before we went.... but we went along kind of pretending.
When we got to the hospital, we sat in the waiting area of the Jasmine suite and waited for my name to be called.... we seemed to be sat waiting forever... we were sat there waiting for an hour and ten minutes... and I thought that was the longest hour of my life... Finally they called my name, and gripping tightly to my husbands hand, we followed the nurse back into the little examination room.
With-in 5 minutes, the doctor walked into the room and she had another woman with her, she sat down and we knew, just by looking at her face!
She said "It's just as we feared, you have breast cancer" I'm sure she said some other things as well... but I was looking at my husbands face, and I will never forget the look on his face when she told us I had cancer..... It was like watching him take a punch.... I will never forget seeing the pain cross his features.
I know that some one fetched me a cup of coffee, and then the doctor said I had to have a biopsy on my lymph nodes, and then she left, and just left us in the room with the other woman... She introduced herself as Barbara and she was going to be my Macmillan nurse.
Barbara told us she was going to give us a couple of days for it to sink in and then come round to the house and have a proper talk to us, then she went out to reception to make an appointment for friday 13th August for an utrasound on my lymph nodes.... When she came back in with the appointment, she told us we could go.
I just held my husbands hand as he took us out to the car.... I don't even remember getting home that day, but I do remember telling my 14 year old daughter that I had cancer.... she just looked at us for about 10 seconds and then turned to her dad and started to cry.... I think that hurt me most that day, seeing how much this horrible disease had hurt my daughter.
She might be 14, but she's my baby.
When we got to the hospital, we sat in the waiting area of the Jasmine suite and waited for my name to be called.... we seemed to be sat waiting forever... we were sat there waiting for an hour and ten minutes... and I thought that was the longest hour of my life... Finally they called my name, and gripping tightly to my husbands hand, we followed the nurse back into the little examination room.
With-in 5 minutes, the doctor walked into the room and she had another woman with her, she sat down and we knew, just by looking at her face!
She said "It's just as we feared, you have breast cancer" I'm sure she said some other things as well... but I was looking at my husbands face, and I will never forget the look on his face when she told us I had cancer..... It was like watching him take a punch.... I will never forget seeing the pain cross his features.
I know that some one fetched me a cup of coffee, and then the doctor said I had to have a biopsy on my lymph nodes, and then she left, and just left us in the room with the other woman... She introduced herself as Barbara and she was going to be my Macmillan nurse.
Barbara told us she was going to give us a couple of days for it to sink in and then come round to the house and have a proper talk to us, then she went out to reception to make an appointment for friday 13th August for an utrasound on my lymph nodes.... When she came back in with the appointment, she told us we could go.
I just held my husbands hand as he took us out to the car.... I don't even remember getting home that day, but I do remember telling my 14 year old daughter that I had cancer.... she just looked at us for about 10 seconds and then turned to her dad and started to cry.... I think that hurt me most that day, seeing how much this horrible disease had hurt my daughter.
She might be 14, but she's my baby.
Saturday 4 September 2010
6th August.... Jasmine suite
I arrived at the Jasmine suite on Friday 6th August, I was ok, not too worried because this didn't feel like a lump, it felt like a swollen milk gland, but I thought, let them check, it'll be fine....
The staff were really good, we got showed into a little room, and in a couple of minutes, a lovely lady doctor came in, she took a few details and then gave me a gown and asked me to undress, which I did, then she asked me to lay on a bed so she could examine my breasts...... she pulled a curtain across between us and my husband..... (did she not think he'd seen my boobs before.. lol ) she examined both my breast and told me I would have to have a mammogram just to be sure, My husband went back into the waiting room and a nurse took me round to another waiting area with lots of other women, after about 30 minutes I went in and had a mammogram, then it was back in the waiting area again.... nurses kept coming through and taking other ladies back through to the other area, but I just sat there, the a nurse came out and called my name.... I thought, this is me, but she took me into another room and said they needed and utlrasound scan, they scanned my right breast and under my arm, then told me they needed to do a biopsy (I started to get worried) They took 2 biopsies and then sent me back out to the waiting area, I looked at the clock and realised that I had been in that waiting area for nearly 2 hours... finally, A nurse came and called my name, and she took me back round to the little room that I saw the doctor in and she asked me if I wanted her to get my husband for me... I said Yes please, so when she went and got him as I got dressed, and we sat down waiting for the doctor to come back.
The minute the doctor walked back in accompanied by a nursing sister we could see by the look on her face that there was something wrong, she sat down and very tactfully told us that when she first examined me, she thought it was just a fatty lump, but by looking at the mammogram and ultrasound, they were very worried. Dave (my husband) said to the doctor, "I lost my mum to breast cancer 33 years ago, so we don't want any long fancy words, we just want to know straight.... I won't hold you to it or anything but in your personal opinion, what do you think it is"?
She looked him straight in the eye and said "I think your wife has breast cancer but we have to wait for the results of the biopsies to know for sure!" The nursing sister went to the reception desk and made me an appiontment for the following tuesday.
We just said thank you and went home... Shocked.
The staff were really good, we got showed into a little room, and in a couple of minutes, a lovely lady doctor came in, she took a few details and then gave me a gown and asked me to undress, which I did, then she asked me to lay on a bed so she could examine my breasts...... she pulled a curtain across between us and my husband..... (did she not think he'd seen my boobs before.. lol ) she examined both my breast and told me I would have to have a mammogram just to be sure, My husband went back into the waiting room and a nurse took me round to another waiting area with lots of other women, after about 30 minutes I went in and had a mammogram, then it was back in the waiting area again.... nurses kept coming through and taking other ladies back through to the other area, but I just sat there, the a nurse came out and called my name.... I thought, this is me, but she took me into another room and said they needed and utlrasound scan, they scanned my right breast and under my arm, then told me they needed to do a biopsy (I started to get worried) They took 2 biopsies and then sent me back out to the waiting area, I looked at the clock and realised that I had been in that waiting area for nearly 2 hours... finally, A nurse came and called my name, and she took me back round to the little room that I saw the doctor in and she asked me if I wanted her to get my husband for me... I said Yes please, so when she went and got him as I got dressed, and we sat down waiting for the doctor to come back.
The minute the doctor walked back in accompanied by a nursing sister we could see by the look on her face that there was something wrong, she sat down and very tactfully told us that when she first examined me, she thought it was just a fatty lump, but by looking at the mammogram and ultrasound, they were very worried. Dave (my husband) said to the doctor, "I lost my mum to breast cancer 33 years ago, so we don't want any long fancy words, we just want to know straight.... I won't hold you to it or anything but in your personal opinion, what do you think it is"?
She looked him straight in the eye and said "I think your wife has breast cancer but we have to wait for the results of the biopsies to know for sure!" The nursing sister went to the reception desk and made me an appiontment for the following tuesday.
We just said thank you and went home... Shocked.
Let's start at the begining
It was a normal lazy sunday afernoon, and I didn't bother getting dressed, I was sat having a cuppa, and as I lifted my coffee to my mouth, my arm rested on my right breast.... that's when I first thought that something was odd... I felt a raised area on the top of my breast, so I put my coffee down and checked out the raised area... I turned to my lovely husband Dave and said "does this feel odd to you"? he said "Yes it does, what's that"? It felt like a swollen milk gland, but my period was due the following week, so I thought I would see what happened after my period... 3 weeks later, with my period out of the way, there was still no change in the swollen milk gland, I rang the doctors to make an appointment to get it checked out, I got an appointment for a week later. 4/8/2010
When I saw my doctor, I told her about this swollen milk gland and she checked both my breasts, she said it just felt like a blocked milk gland, so she would send me to the Jasmine suite in Doncaster Royal Infirmary just to get it checked out, she got her secretary to make me an appointment for 2 days later 6th August.
When I saw my doctor, I told her about this swollen milk gland and she checked both my breasts, she said it just felt like a blocked milk gland, so she would send me to the Jasmine suite in Doncaster Royal Infirmary just to get it checked out, she got her secretary to make me an appointment for 2 days later 6th August.
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