Thursday 16th September

I didn't write anything about last night as, to be honest, I don't really remember too much about it.... I know I was sick when I came round after the anesthetic, and I remember my gorgeous husband and daughter came to visit me, and I remember having an oxygen mask on a morphine pump and some inflatable leg warmer type things (apparently they reduce the risk of DVT)
Well I woke up this morning feeling surprisingly bright and cheery.... I hadn't had much sleep... I expected to be feeling really poorly and in lots of pain.... but i wasn't.
I had some bread and jam for breakfast and then called a nurse so I could go to the loo.... after she had disconnected me from all my machines and taken me to the loo and fetched me back to my bed, I felt like I had run a marathon.... I felt all light headed and sick, she reconnected me to the morphine pump and left me sitting up in bed.
My surgeon and registrar came to see me, and told me that everything had gone very well.
after a couple of hours, a nurse came and disconnected me again and told me I could go and have a wash..... I took my wash kit and towel and walked up to the bathroom, I locked the door, filled the sink with water and then took my pyjama top off............. and then stopped!
In front of me was a full length mirror........... and as I caught site of my own reflection i was filled with shock..... two big plasters where my breasts used to be, I don't know what I expected to see, but it wasn't that... it just looked so wrong!
I finished my wash and got dressed again and hurried back to my bed, crying all the way, the nurse came back to hook me up to my morphine pump and asked me what was wrong, so I told her.... she smiled and told me she understood............ HOW THE HELL CAN SHE UNDERSTAND?
When I asked her how she understood, she said she could imagine.... no she couldn't... nobody can unless they have had it done.
Why does everybody keep saying that I will get new boobs when my reconstruction is done? what about now? How am I supposed to feel about it now?
The rest of the day went past in kind of a haze... My husband and the kids came to see me, and Dave was so brilliant, he made me feel like a princess........... When he says losing my breasts makes no difference to him... he really does mean it... I love him so much.