Every day I seem to get more and more depressed, I think that could have a lot to do with the fact that my pain killers don't seem to be working, even though I have doubled them up, and I still can't sleep... In fact the last decent sleep I had was those few hours when I first got home from the hospital.
Dave is being brilliant, he is constantly telling me that he loves me and he keeps cuddling me and kissing me and showing me that he loves me.... I feel so rotten because he is being lovely and I am just so miserable... it's not fair on him.
Loads of people on facebook really care and often ask me how I'm getting on, and I tell everybody that I am fine and I'm on the mend..... One of the ladies on the cancer chat site I'm on, left a message asking if I was ok and telling me that she would be there when I was ready to talk.... So i wrote down what i felt and started crying... Dave came over and asked me what was wrong and it all came spilling out, he listen, cuddled me and kissed away my tears, he never made feel stupid or anything, he was brilliant, so he said "Why don't you write it down in your blog? do what you do best and write, it might help."...... So here goes...
Before the operation and everything was hurry hurry and lets get this sorted... but since the operation, I feel like they have just chopped my boobs off and thrown me away.... ok, we got the cancer, now go away and pop back now and again to get your chest drained.... Nobody has actually said anything like that, it's just the way I feel.... I don't even want to go outside because I feel so deformed, When we went out I wore a baggy shirt and kept pulling it out at the chest so nobody could tell I had no breasts.... it's so hard to explain how I feel........ I don't feel complete.... I just feel broken.
I just want to cry and when people ask how I am, I just say to Dave, "Why do they ask? they wouldn't know what to say if I told them how I really felt"
I don't know why Dave put up with me........... yes I do, it's cos he really does love me.... I feel like I am being a lousy wife, it's been nearly 3 weeks since my operation and I am still crying because I haven't got any breasts...... I know that also means I haven't got anymore cancer either, so why cant I focus on the good points?..... Why do I just want to cry all the time?
Everywhere I look there are breasts and cleavages on display, on television, in the paper, on the adverts, women just walking down the streets, even teenagers coming home from school... It just makes me more aware of my own body's shortcomings.
I think we can safely say that I am having a wobbly day... or even a wobbly week, I am definitely on a downward slope on this rollercoaster.
I have just read this back to myself and it reads like the ramblings of a mad woman.... well I know I'm not mad, I'm just very sad..... I want everything to be the way it was before I got this bloody cancer... I want my breasts back..... I want to be that positive, upbeat, self confident woman I used to be..... I don't want to be this me anymore..... I want my life back
And you WILL have it back but it is again that dreaded waiting.Stop being so hard on yourself,you were running on adrenaline before and had to crash at some point and you are so low
ReplyDeletethat the only way is up !!!Have you had any prosthesis ?Nursing bras are soft and you can pad them out with old tights .Not what you want but under clothes no-one is going to notice.Give yourself time to grieve for what you have lost.It really does get better although it does not seem like right now.Hang in there Car,you will bounce back.
Rose xxx
darlin caz
ReplyDeleterose is right u r being very hard on yourself . U say Dave is amazing and so r u and soon again u will realise .you need time to go thru all these emotions and then strong,positive fighting caz will be back . if u dont mind i want to remind u of something u said to me. u were one of the first people who replied when i posted should i have chemo ?. u had just been diagnosed i think .i was in a complete state because i felt fine and knew that chemo would make me sick and vunerable and a burden to my family ! i said is it worth all that for an 4% increase in survivial rate ?u said you would do anything just to improve your chances to stay with your family even if it was only 1%!! that really helped me thank you.and u r completely right . think about that statement that is what you are going thru all this shit for to survie and be with your lovely family and friends u can do this because u are u! give yourself a break!! you have started on this long road to beat this crap disease and it will test u at every stage but you ARE stronger than it.
I hope u dont mind me commenting and hope u dont think iam preaching i just want to try help u like u helped me. I too am bit wobbly this week (have tissues ready alot having 2nd chemo on monday and 2day my hair has started falling out in handfuls not quite sure what i should do , even though u know its coming it is freaky and very emotional but it is part of the fight so we have to face it.
lots of love my sweetie big hugs love ninaxxxxx
Caz, sorry not been there for you lately...how are you doin? although not so good by the sound of things, I will check up on you on CR.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love
T xx