Thurday 9th September (continued)

It's been a very strange day today.... my head has been all over the place, I have got all sorts going through my head today..... but I know I have got to make a real decision... and the worse things is... I have got to make the decision myself, and then talk it through with Dave.
So it's time to try and put the jumble that is the inside of my head at the moment.
One of my biggest worries is that I have issues about the way I look, Dave thinks I look gorgeous, But these are my issues.... When the operation is done, I will have to cope with the scars and what is left behind...
If I go for the mastectomy and quadrantectomy, I will be dealing with two very different scars and also I will have a nipple-less miss-shaped lump of flesh.... and if that wasn't enough, I would get myself very paranoid about the invasive lobular cancer coming back as it is prone to re-occurring in the opposite breast at a later date.
If I opt for the double mastectomy.... I get two even matching  scars, and the knowledge that the breast cancer won't come back.
Once I had got it straight in my head, the decision is made..... I went to talk to Dave about what I had decided, and he was brilliant, he told me that in his eyes I had made the right decision... but it was a decision I had to make myself.... he explained to me that he would rather I had the double mastectomy than risk losing me.
I was worried about losing my femininity.... but what is feminine about a deformed lump of flesh stuck on my chest... it might be a bit different if the nipple was going to be left... what was being left behind wouldn't even resemble a breast.
 Once i had written it all down and read it back to myself, it started to make sense, and I could see that I only ever really had one choice.
And I am a lot more at peace with myself now I have actually come to a decision.
no doubt I will be plagued with worries over the next few day, just general worries about the surgery.
It's a major operation at the end of the day and I am scared.... but I will deal with that one day at a time.
The doctor has prescribed me some Zopiclone just to help me sleep, because if I'm honest, I haven't had a complete night's sleep since I found out about my cancer.
But at least now I can tell Barbara tomorrow and she can arrange for me to have an appointment so I can go in and they can explain exactly what I will be able to expect during my operation.
God I'm so scared..... will I be able to cope with having both my breasts removed?
I think I will be able to cope a bit better than I would cope with getting breast cancer again in a couple of years..... But I'm still scared.