Tuesday 5th October

Why can't I stop crying?
I seem to be crying all the time for no reason, the doctor gave me some new painkillers yesterday, but they still don't take the pain away, I feel sick when ever I try to eat anything and I am constantly having hot sweats.... how much more of this do I have to take.
I rang Macmillan this morning to find out when my grant is coming through because I desperately need some new clothes (all my old ones are fitted or low cut) and all I did was cry down the phone at the poor woman.... when she told me that my grant application wasn't even on her system, I just cried even louder...... god, I'm a mess.
I have to go to the hospital today to get my chest drained and find out about what happens next.... but to be honest, I don't want to leave the house.
I have no breasts and it feels like everybody is starring at me... I feel deformed and I don't feel like a woman... I feel like a freak.
I tried ringing the hospital to speak to Barbara, but I just cried at the receptionist who answered the phone, so she asked if I was alright "No....  just want to talk to Barbara"... the receptionist said she would get Barbara to ring me back. about 5 minutes later the phone rang, but Dave had to answer it because I was sobbing my heart out..... he explained to her how I was feeling and asked if I had to come to the hospital as I don't want to go out... but she said I have to come in.
When we got to the hospital, we walked into the Jasmine suite, I was, as usual, hunched over holding my the front of my shirt out (so nobody could see I was deformed) Dave has had arm around me, we were only waiting about 2 minutes and we got called in, (Dave says I should cry down the phone more often, I must have scared them) Jenna (the registrar) came in with Pet (one of the nurses) and she asked me if I was ok..... More tears, floods of them, they were brilliant, they gave me tissues and just listened, they then went on to explain that the way I was feeling was normal... "why don't I feel normal then" I cried, "because the tears show us that you understand what is happening " Jenna went on to explain that because I have coped so well with everything that has happened to me in such a short length of time and because I have been doing so well that they were a bit worried that I was in denial..... but the tears proved that everything was sinking in... Jenna and Pet went on to drain my chest, still a lot of fluid but not as much as last week, still lovely and clear so there is no sign of infection.... Jenna then went on to tell my that I didn't have to have the intravenous chemotherapy, I was going to go on a tablet chemo... great news, I get to keep my hair (I think I would rather lose my hair and keep my boobs.... my hair will grow back)
Jenna then went and got Barbara, Barbara was brilliant, she said she would chase up the grant people and make sure it got sorted... Then Pet said, "can she try a softee?" Barbara explained that a softee was a fake breast made of foam that I could wear inside my bra when I went out... she then took us into a room and we just talked... about everything, she explained how they were one breast care nurse short because of funding issues, so her and Dave had a chat about Dave doing some fund raising for the Jasmine suite... and then she started to look through the bra's she had and got some "softee's" out... to be honest, they looked a bit like airline pillows, but when she helped me put the bra on with the "softees" in.... I couldn't believe the difference.... I know they weren't real, but I didn't feel deformed anymore. she also showed me the silicone breasts that I would have when my wounds were fully healed, I was surprised at how heavy they were, but she said it was so they wouldn't ride up in my bra like the softees would... she made me an appointment to see my oncologist next Tuesday, and we left.
I could not believe the difference that these 2 bits of padding made to me... They gave me so much more confidence, I didn't feel deformed anymore, I could walk around with my head held high again... who ever invented these things deserves a medal.
And that little bit of confidence changed me........... it gave me strength, a strength to carry on. 
We went home and had a cuppa and we told our daughter everything that had happened she looked so pleased, but to be honest, I think she was just happy that I had finally stopped crying .
Dave said he had to pop to the shop to get something for tea.... and I think I surprised us all when I said I would go with him. Dave said "come on then gorgeous" so I smiled back and said "hang on for a minute while I get my boobs" and we all fell about laughing.
We got to Morrisons and got out of the car and I had to laugh and tell him to wait, "What's up?" he asked, but also started laughing when he saw the the seat-belt had pushed one of my "boobs" up nearly to my shoulder.
So today I learned that by telling the nurses and doctors that i am miserable doesn't make me seem weak, it makes me normal.... and it shows them how they can help me.
And now the crying has stopped and this meltdown is over, I feel so much better for it, maybe I needed to let it all out.... all I know for definite is, with Dave my my side and my fake boobs on... I can survive another day.