Today I made a decision to take a bit of control, I have decided that as I am having a mastectomy, my hair will be too long to manage so I am going to make an appointment to get it cut... I think this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make, but being practical... I wont have enough movement in my arms after the operation to be able to brush or wash my hair... Dave wont be able to manage it every day, Bless her, Micky said she would brush it for me everyday... but she will have enough to cope with, without being burdened with the responsibility of my hair..... I have been to the hairdresser and explained why I am having it cut and I am going in tomorrow to get it done.
I have decided to have a nice long soak in the bath.... loads of bubbles, a deep conditioning treatment for my hair, a nice glass of red and half an hour of peace and quiet.... Just what the doctor ordered.
I had shampooed my long hair and covered it in the conditioning treatment and clipped it up so the conditioned hair wouldn't dip into the bath water... some conditioner ran into my eye and it started watering and before i realised it, I was crying... Thinking that this is the last time I will have to clip my conditioned hair up, and that made me cry more (i tried not to cry loud because I didn't want anyone to hear me) but then it hit me... like a bloody great smack in the mouth, I WAS LOSING ONE OF MY BREASTS, probably both..... and the silent tears turned into gut wrenching sobbing.... and I couldn't stop.... Dave came into the bathroom... I just cried louder, we have only been married for two and a half years and he would be stuck with a wife with no boobs.... he said it was me he loved, not just my boobs.... but I said "but you liked my boobs, didn't you?" he said course he did... I cried even harder..... in the end he came to the side of the bath and just held me and cuddled me until the tears finally ran out
Then we sat there just talking for ages, discussing what the operation would mean to us... I told him that I was worried that he would go off me after the operation.... he told me he could never go off me because he loves the person that I am, not just the way I look.... he just seemed to know exactly what to say to make me feel better... So I told him about my biggest worry.... I have some issues with the way I look because of weight gained through medication (Dave loves me just as I am) but these are my own issues about the way I look, and I told him that I was worried that I would hate my scars so much that I wouldn't let him near me.... and his answer was brilliant... he didn't say anything silly that he thought I wanted to hear.... he just looked me in the eyes and said "we will deal with that when we get to it.... you just have to remember that I am in love with you".
My husband is my rock, without him I really don't think I would be able to cope half as well as I do now.
Great blog Caz...:-)
ReplyDeleteYour husband sounds fab, just what you need to get you though this - and you WILL get through this!
I can relate to your fears as I have to have a permanant colostomy shortly and I was really bothered by how my husband would feel about it...his reply 'It's a bag, you'll be alive, I just don't need to talk about this at all, nothing changes except you won't die'
I shall be following your progress and rooting for you all the way
Much luv, Carole
(aka: Dizzie from the CR board) xx
I just read your blog for the first time. I will say "I love" your husband. What a wonderful man. It is so much better when we have that support behind us. I am not ,married but I do have a friend who has been with me from the very first day....
ReplyDeleteI too had long hair I know how you felt, but you are a lovely woman!!
Love Alli ..XX