What a strange day this has been..... I can't really describe how I feel because I don't really know myself.... but I will give it a go.
I feel very calm...... strangely calm in fact, I feel like I should be screaming at the injustice of it all..... as if finding out I have a lump in breast wasn't enough, I find out I have cancer.... but is that the end of it??????? No.... two breasts, two different types of cancer at the same time... well I don't do things by halves do I?
Just five short weeks ago, I first found out I had a lump and every time I went to the Jasmine suite, the bad news got worse and worse until my last visit, when I got told I have to have a double mastectomy.
My mind has kind of shut down.... information overload
I know Dave is worried sick and Ryan and Micky (my son and daughter) are scared to death.... but none of them really talk to me about it.... Dave tells me to take my sleeping tablets and stays with me until I fall asleep, then he goes downstairs and sits on his own.... and worry's!
Micky has got a bit weepy, but only with her dad... If I go anywhere near them, she stops crying and tries to be strong for me.... it's like they are all together in their fear and grief.. and I'm not included.
I know that sounds really selfish and I don't want to come across that ways.... but I cant cry alone... That's not me.
I feel like physically fine... What I don't understand is... I feel fine, but I am full of cancer, and after Wednesday, when I will be in pain and feeling ill, that is the time I will be cancer free.
I am a member of a couple of cancer groups, and the people on there really have helped me.... but they have also let me know that this is the easy bit..... once the operation is out of the way, things will get harder..... what could be harder than THIS?
I thought it was the not knowing that was driving me mad.... but I think that knowing this, is worse than not knowing.
I am trying to take baby steps, just one thing at a time..... next step, double mastectomy.... I cant think beyond that.
I am trying to be strong..... I am trying not to feel sorry for myself..... I am trying to be a good mother and a loving wife.
I don't want to be that woman with breast cancer that every body has to look after.
Please can I go to bed tonight and then wake up in the morning and find out it has all been a horrible nightmare?
Hi Caroline
ReplyDeleteTry to get any jobs done over the next 2 days,get out the winter clothes and get in lots of goodies to spoil yourself and your family with.I know you feel in limbo but I was actually glad to go in for my surgery as it was a way of getting rid of the nasties that were threatening me,so I was calm and actually had a good time with the other girls in the ward !!Sounds silly when you have had an op. but i wanted it removed.You are a good mother & wife but family want to help,it iswhat they can do to show how much they love you so dont be too hard on them,enjoy the spoiling while you can.
Hope you get some nice slippers and jammies,remember to get something that is easy to get on and off.
Love
Rose xxx
just read through most of your entries and wanted to wish you luck on your upcoming surgery. find ways to nurture yourself and hopefully, journaling here on a blog is therapeutic for you. i'll check back to see where your roller coaster is going up or down =)
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