Saturday 6th November

Well it's been just over a month since i put anything on my blog,  so I think it's time to catch you all up on what has been happening.
I went back and finally saw the oncologist (Dr Ramm) he told me that I am herceptin negative so I don't need to have chemotherapy, he has put me on Tamoxifen tablets for the next 5 years and I am going back next month to start having a depot style injection in my stomach for the next 2 years to bring on temporary menopause, to stop my ovaries producing estrogen.
I have had my chest cavity (the space where my breasts used to be) drained 6 times so far, the first 3 times the fluid was a orange/yellow colour but clear. on the 3rd time, Miss Rogers injected a steroid into the cavity to stop my body producing the fluid, and told me to come back in a fortnight, Then the right side sounded like a hot water bottle, you could actually hear the fluid moving around, but I guess the noises meant there was air in there as well, but the left side filled up as usual, and I felt really ill, high temperatures and terrible hot flushes, after only a week, Dave rang the hospital up and arranged for me to go in and get the left side drained, when we got there, the nursing sister stared to drain the left side and the fluid came out all cloudy..... in fact it looked like cold tea.... She went and spoke to Miss Rogers and came back with a prescription for some heavy duty antibiotics.... and told me to go back the following week.
I was still feeling crappy, and the scar went a bit red in the middle, but after a couple of days, the scar went back to normal.... I went back the following week and told Miss Rogers I was feeling much better, she inserted the needle and the cannula, but nothing came out, so she tipped it down and a blob of brown stuff came out, Miss Rogers started panicking, she attatched a large syringe to the cannula and started to pull out syringe full after syringe full of brown muck, the colour of strong tea and the texture of mud, she said my chest wall should be bright red with an infection that severe, and she did tell me that if Dave hadn't got me in last week I would have been admitted immediately...... another weeks worth of antibiotics..... The following week, I went back and had the left side drained and it was like cold tea again..... so I am hoping that this is the end of the infection....... and that was Tuesday this week, so we are up to date on the medical stuff now.
the physical stuff I can handle, it's the emotional effect of losing my breasts that I am really struggling with at the moment.
Dave is being fantastic and he keeps assuring me that it doesn't matter to him..... and I know he really does mean that.
But it's how it's affecting me that is a problem.... I genuinely cant get my head round the fact that I haven't got breast anymore.
Friends often ask how I am getting on, and I tell them that I am ok, in fact I think my exact words are.... I'm getting there!
But I'm not...... when people ask how I am, I just want to scream at them... HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?
My mum says she knows how I feel because she had an operation to remove 2 massive tumours in her stomach............ but she doesn't.... she can't..... Mum's operation was to remove something that shouldn't have been there..... I know that my operation was to remove the cancer..... but they also removed part  of my body that should have been there...... it should still be there.
When I have tried to tell the breast nurse at the hospital how I am feeling, she just tells me that I am having reconstructive surgery next year and then I will have breasts again.... but what am I supposed to do until then? How do they expect me to cope until then?
Do you know, when I first found the lump, they couldn't do enough for me.... but since I have had the operation to remove the cancer and remove my breasts..... I feel like they are not bothered.... the after care is lousy... all they have offered is an opportunity to attend a, once a month meeting, called "life after breast cancer"........ As far as the hospital is concerned, I feel like I have been thrown in the bin with my breasts.
I can't look at my scars in the mirror... I feel deformed.... I don't feel like me anymore.
Last week we went to a wedding..... and I just stood and cried, everywhere I looked there were cleavages on display.... Dave just looked at me and said "it's too early for you yet, isn't it?" he was brilliant and after only an hour he took me home.
I know I am miserable but I can't help it...... I am so unhappy with the way I look and I don't know how to change the way I feel.........
This bloody cancer has cost me my lovely hair and my breasts......... I have never been a slim woman, even as a teenager, my parents used to call me dumps (short for dumpling) and my lovely long hair and my cleavage used to make me feel feminine.... now i look in the mirror and I feel butch... even make up doesn't make me look feminine.
I know my dark moods are effecting the whole family..... I know Dave loves ME, but every time we talk about my new body image, I just start crying, and I don't want to be a misery guts wife... I want to be that happy upbeat wife I used to be.
I just want to feel like a real woman again.
I went on the cancer chat site and tried telling them how I feel, the people on there are amazing, and they explained that each of them feel very similar and they think I a being very strong....... but I don't feel very strong, I feel like a pile of snot and tears.
I understand that I am in a downward spiral.... but I don't know how to get out of it.... I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to hate the way I look.... but I don't know where to turn next.
I have cried almost all the way through writing this, and I have realised that writing this blog is probably one of the best things for me.... because it helps me get it out of my system.... I will definitely be writing in here more now... I think I need to.