Thurday 9th September

I am still trying to get my head round the decisions I have to make.
How can I make that decision.... ?
Although it was a shock being told that I have to have a mastectomy of my right breast.... It made things so much easier for me because all I had to do was agree and get my head round what they said.
 This time I am in a bit of a mess.... I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.
My head is telling me to do one thing and my heart is telling me another.
I feel like the responsible thing to do is.... to agree to a bi lateral mastectomy.... but that is a big operation, and in my messed up head it's like if I agree to lose both of my breasts it will be like losing my femininity, but I know if I make that choice then there is no chance of the lobular cancer coming back at a later date.
But my  heart is saying, just have the quadrantectomy because although I will be losing part of my breast and my nipple, I will still have some of my own breast left and will still have some of my femininity left.
I know this is my decision to make, but my head is such a mess.... when I ask Dave what to do, he just says he will back me up what ever decision I make.
My GP has just rung me up and asked how I am doing.... What could I say? so I told her about the dilema I am facing and she is getting me a prescription for something to help me sleep... maybe with a solid night's sleep under my belt I will be able to think a bit better.
She also gave me a bit of advice, she told me that if I have both breasts removed, when I have the reconstructive surgery, both breasts will be even. and I won't have to worry about re-occurring breast cancer.
Dave hasn't slept very much himself and I am worrying about him and how he's coping with what we are facing..... but if I mention it to him, he just tells me not to worry about him, he's not the one who has got this ahead of him..... but he does, having breast cancer has made me realise that breast cancer doesn't just affect the woman who has it but all her family and friends as well.
I know breast cancer seems to take away a woman's femininity but it takes away a lot more as well, it seems like I am not allowed to worry about anyone else, because they are too busy worrying about me.... 
I am a woman, a wife, a mother and a cancer sufferer..... but to me it seems like being the last  takes away from being the other three.
Physically I haven't changed, I haven't even had any surgery yet.... but everybody is treating me like a patient already... Friends who have been fine with me before, don't know what to say to me... so they just talk round me.
Dave is being brilliant with me... I know that without him I would be a pile of snot and tears.... At the moment he is holding me up and keeping me strong... but at what cost to him? I love him so much, but I know before this gets better it's going to get a lot worse. and if I'm honest, I'm really scared.