Yesterday just went past in kind of a haze... I sat there kind of numb all day.
today Dave told me that he has read my last entry, After reading it back, it looks like I am saying that I am alone... but I have to correct that, I am never alone... Dave is by my side the holding my hand the whole way through.... I am so worried because of Dave's history (losing his mum to breast cancer) so I try to be there for him too.... I know he is being strong for me, but I worry who is being strong for him.
What I meant about feeling alone is... a but a of jealousy I suppose... Micky has always come to me when something is worrying her, and we talk it over... but this time, Micky is turning to her dad and I am having a hard time handling that.
I think today it has finally hit me... I started rowing with Dave over something silly, and then started crying.... but it wasn't just normal tears... it was hysterical sobbing, and I just kept shouting "I went in with a bloody blocked milk gland!" and I kept repeating it, getting louder and louder each time.... Dave just sat, holding me until I started to calm down, and then we talked about everything that was worrying me and how scared I was and how I was worrying about him and Micky. and when we had talked everything through, Dave laughed and said "See how well I know you? I have to cause a row before you open up!" So I asked him if he had done it on purpose, and he said of course he had, He said knew I needed to let it out.
That shows me how well tuned we are, he always seems to know what I need to hear..... What I need to say. I love him so much.
I know he is strong and I know he is staying strong for the rest of us.... but he is my husband and I love him so much, I can't help worrying about him.... even though he is worrying about me.
Ryan came up to me after and gave me a cuddle and started crying, and said he didn't want to admit it was happening to HIS mum, and he didn't realise all the hell I had been through, So Dave told him to read my blog right from the beginning so he could see exactly what was going through my mind
After reading my blog back, I can see that my emotions are all over the place, and I quite often go off at odd tangents all the time. But I guess it's because my head is such a mess..... I am having a double mastectomy on Wednesday and I have to get used to the idea.
That roller coaster may be going through an unbearable trough right now but it's bound to climb out sooner or later so soak up all the support you can muster for now and let all that love lift you up where you belong.
ReplyDeleteDavid x
Hi Caz
ReplyDeleteNothing wrong with a few tears, rows and hysterical outbursts. As David says - wrap all the love around you and you'll be fine.
And try not to focus too much on the op as a double mastectomy - think of it more as getting rid of the cancer.
I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday.
Much love
Shents x
All the luck in the world for tomorrow.Looking forward to hearing from you in a few days.The start of a cancer free future is about to begin.
ReplyDeleteLoads of love and best wishes.good to see you on the other forum,
Rose xxx
Hi Caz,
ReplyDeleteWill be thinking about you tomorrow.
Looking forward to hearing from you as soon as you feel well enough
xxx Big Hugs xxx
Thinking of you darling Caz.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love
T xx
I would just like to thank you all personally my self for all the great support and messages you have been leaving .. I know Caz will be up dating this soon .. but just wanted to tell you she is back at home now and the op went well took longer then planed , once again thank you my princess means every thing to me and you all have helped her so much ..
ReplyDeleteDave x
aka DJ Blues Dave aka DJ Blues Dave TCB Elvis way x
Dave,
ReplyDeleteYou sound brilliant, Caz is such a trooper so give her our love as well as your own :-)
Cheers
Tony x