I didn't write anything about last night as, to be honest, I don't really remember too much about it.... I know I was sick when I came round after the anesthetic, and I remember my gorgeous husband and daughter came to visit me, and I remember having an oxygen mask on a morphine pump and some inflatable leg warmer type things (apparently they reduce the risk of DVT)
Well I woke up this morning feeling surprisingly bright and cheery.... I hadn't had much sleep... I expected to be feeling really poorly and in lots of pain.... but i wasn't.
I had some bread and jam for breakfast and then called a nurse so I could go to the loo.... after she had disconnected me from all my machines and taken me to the loo and fetched me back to my bed, I felt like I had run a marathon.... I felt all light headed and sick, she reconnected me to the morphine pump and left me sitting up in bed.
My surgeon and registrar came to see me, and told me that everything had gone very well.
after a couple of hours, a nurse came and disconnected me again and told me I could go and have a wash..... I took my wash kit and towel and walked up to the bathroom, I locked the door, filled the sink with water and then took my pyjama top off............. and then stopped!
In front of me was a full length mirror........... and as I caught site of my own reflection i was filled with shock..... two big plasters where my breasts used to be, I don't know what I expected to see, but it wasn't that... it just looked so wrong!
I finished my wash and got dressed again and hurried back to my bed, crying all the way, the nurse came back to hook me up to my morphine pump and asked me what was wrong, so I told her.... she smiled and told me she understood............ HOW THE HELL CAN SHE UNDERSTAND?
When I asked her how she understood, she said she could imagine.... no she couldn't... nobody can unless they have had it done.
Why does everybody keep saying that I will get new boobs when my reconstruction is done? what about now? How am I supposed to feel about it now?
The rest of the day went past in kind of a haze... My husband and the kids came to see me, and Dave was so brilliant, he made me feel like a princess........... When he says losing my breasts makes no difference to him... he really does mean it... I love him so much.
Friday, 24 September 2010
Monday, 20 September 2010
Wednesday 15th september SURGERY
7.30am and we are up on ward G5, the receptionist shows us to my bed and tells us that a nurse will be along in a bit to book me in properly... and then she left us, Me and Dave put all my things away and then looked at each other... it was today, it was really going to happen.... we just sat down and held each others hands and waited.... the surgeon came and spoke to us and said "you are having both operated on today?" then he drew all over me, circles on my breasts and arrows pointing down my arms, then he told me I was last on the list so he would see me about 1ish, and then he left.
I then had Jenna (the registrar) come to see us and she helped put my mind at ease, the another young surgeon came and explained what would be happening and then finally the anesthetist came and she explained because I was having surgery on both sides, she might have to put the cannula in my foot...... all of a sudden it was 12.55 and Dave said he had to go, but didn't want to leave me alone, I told him that I would be fine and I walked him to the lift, as I got back to my room, the nurse was waiting for me saying, it's your turn now... so I banged on the door to the lift and Dave waited until we came through, he felt better knowing that I wasn't waiting on my own, and I felt better knowing he wasn't worrying too much... Dave gave me a kiss and cuddle and told me he would see me when I woke up, then he left and me and the nurse walked through to the theatre, and I suddenly realised that I was crying, it was all so real and so now.
I sat on the trolley and answered all the questions that they asked me, I told them I was scared, but they assured me they would look after me.... the anesthetist told me she was putting something in my hand that would me me sleep..... and then there was nothing!
I then had Jenna (the registrar) come to see us and she helped put my mind at ease, the another young surgeon came and explained what would be happening and then finally the anesthetist came and she explained because I was having surgery on both sides, she might have to put the cannula in my foot...... all of a sudden it was 12.55 and Dave said he had to go, but didn't want to leave me alone, I told him that I would be fine and I walked him to the lift, as I got back to my room, the nurse was waiting for me saying, it's your turn now... so I banged on the door to the lift and Dave waited until we came through, he felt better knowing that I wasn't waiting on my own, and I felt better knowing he wasn't worrying too much... Dave gave me a kiss and cuddle and told me he would see me when I woke up, then he left and me and the nurse walked through to the theatre, and I suddenly realised that I was crying, it was all so real and so now.
I sat on the trolley and answered all the questions that they asked me, I told them I was scared, but they assured me they would look after me.... the anesthetist told me she was putting something in my hand that would me me sleep..... and then there was nothing!
Monday, 13 September 2010
Monday 13th September
Yesterday just went past in kind of a haze... I sat there kind of numb all day.
today Dave told me that he has read my last entry, After reading it back, it looks like I am saying that I am alone... but I have to correct that, I am never alone... Dave is by my side the holding my hand the whole way through.... I am so worried because of Dave's history (losing his mum to breast cancer) so I try to be there for him too.... I know he is being strong for me, but I worry who is being strong for him.
What I meant about feeling alone is... a but a of jealousy I suppose... Micky has always come to me when something is worrying her, and we talk it over... but this time, Micky is turning to her dad and I am having a hard time handling that.
I think today it has finally hit me... I started rowing with Dave over something silly, and then started crying.... but it wasn't just normal tears... it was hysterical sobbing, and I just kept shouting "I went in with a bloody blocked milk gland!" and I kept repeating it, getting louder and louder each time.... Dave just sat, holding me until I started to calm down, and then we talked about everything that was worrying me and how scared I was and how I was worrying about him and Micky. and when we had talked everything through, Dave laughed and said "See how well I know you? I have to cause a row before you open up!" So I asked him if he had done it on purpose, and he said of course he had, He said knew I needed to let it out.
That shows me how well tuned we are, he always seems to know what I need to hear..... What I need to say. I love him so much.
I know he is strong and I know he is staying strong for the rest of us.... but he is my husband and I love him so much, I can't help worrying about him.... even though he is worrying about me.
Ryan came up to me after and gave me a cuddle and started crying, and said he didn't want to admit it was happening to HIS mum, and he didn't realise all the hell I had been through, So Dave told him to read my blog right from the beginning so he could see exactly what was going through my mind
After reading my blog back, I can see that my emotions are all over the place, and I quite often go off at odd tangents all the time. But I guess it's because my head is such a mess..... I am having a double mastectomy on Wednesday and I have to get used to the idea.
today Dave told me that he has read my last entry, After reading it back, it looks like I am saying that I am alone... but I have to correct that, I am never alone... Dave is by my side the holding my hand the whole way through.... I am so worried because of Dave's history (losing his mum to breast cancer) so I try to be there for him too.... I know he is being strong for me, but I worry who is being strong for him.
What I meant about feeling alone is... a but a of jealousy I suppose... Micky has always come to me when something is worrying her, and we talk it over... but this time, Micky is turning to her dad and I am having a hard time handling that.
I think today it has finally hit me... I started rowing with Dave over something silly, and then started crying.... but it wasn't just normal tears... it was hysterical sobbing, and I just kept shouting "I went in with a bloody blocked milk gland!" and I kept repeating it, getting louder and louder each time.... Dave just sat, holding me until I started to calm down, and then we talked about everything that was worrying me and how scared I was and how I was worrying about him and Micky. and when we had talked everything through, Dave laughed and said "See how well I know you? I have to cause a row before you open up!" So I asked him if he had done it on purpose, and he said of course he had, He said knew I needed to let it out.
That shows me how well tuned we are, he always seems to know what I need to hear..... What I need to say. I love him so much.
I know he is strong and I know he is staying strong for the rest of us.... but he is my husband and I love him so much, I can't help worrying about him.... even though he is worrying about me.
Ryan came up to me after and gave me a cuddle and started crying, and said he didn't want to admit it was happening to HIS mum, and he didn't realise all the hell I had been through, So Dave told him to read my blog right from the beginning so he could see exactly what was going through my mind
After reading my blog back, I can see that my emotions are all over the place, and I quite often go off at odd tangents all the time. But I guess it's because my head is such a mess..... I am having a double mastectomy on Wednesday and I have to get used to the idea.
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Saturday 11th September
What a strange day this has been..... I can't really describe how I feel because I don't really know myself.... but I will give it a go.
I feel very calm...... strangely calm in fact, I feel like I should be screaming at the injustice of it all..... as if finding out I have a lump in breast wasn't enough, I find out I have cancer.... but is that the end of it??????? No.... two breasts, two different types of cancer at the same time... well I don't do things by halves do I?
Just five short weeks ago, I first found out I had a lump and every time I went to the Jasmine suite, the bad news got worse and worse until my last visit, when I got told I have to have a double mastectomy.
My mind has kind of shut down.... information overload
I know Dave is worried sick and Ryan and Micky (my son and daughter) are scared to death.... but none of them really talk to me about it.... Dave tells me to take my sleeping tablets and stays with me until I fall asleep, then he goes downstairs and sits on his own.... and worry's!
Micky has got a bit weepy, but only with her dad... If I go anywhere near them, she stops crying and tries to be strong for me.... it's like they are all together in their fear and grief.. and I'm not included.
I know that sounds really selfish and I don't want to come across that ways.... but I cant cry alone... That's not me.
I feel like physically fine... What I don't understand is... I feel fine, but I am full of cancer, and after Wednesday, when I will be in pain and feeling ill, that is the time I will be cancer free.
I am a member of a couple of cancer groups, and the people on there really have helped me.... but they have also let me know that this is the easy bit..... once the operation is out of the way, things will get harder..... what could be harder than THIS?
I thought it was the not knowing that was driving me mad.... but I think that knowing this, is worse than not knowing.
I am trying to take baby steps, just one thing at a time..... next step, double mastectomy.... I cant think beyond that.
I am trying to be strong..... I am trying not to feel sorry for myself..... I am trying to be a good mother and a loving wife.
I don't want to be that woman with breast cancer that every body has to look after.
Please can I go to bed tonight and then wake up in the morning and find out it has all been a horrible nightmare?
I feel very calm...... strangely calm in fact, I feel like I should be screaming at the injustice of it all..... as if finding out I have a lump in breast wasn't enough, I find out I have cancer.... but is that the end of it??????? No.... two breasts, two different types of cancer at the same time... well I don't do things by halves do I?
Just five short weeks ago, I first found out I had a lump and every time I went to the Jasmine suite, the bad news got worse and worse until my last visit, when I got told I have to have a double mastectomy.
My mind has kind of shut down.... information overload
I know Dave is worried sick and Ryan and Micky (my son and daughter) are scared to death.... but none of them really talk to me about it.... Dave tells me to take my sleeping tablets and stays with me until I fall asleep, then he goes downstairs and sits on his own.... and worry's!
Micky has got a bit weepy, but only with her dad... If I go anywhere near them, she stops crying and tries to be strong for me.... it's like they are all together in their fear and grief.. and I'm not included.
I know that sounds really selfish and I don't want to come across that ways.... but I cant cry alone... That's not me.
I feel like physically fine... What I don't understand is... I feel fine, but I am full of cancer, and after Wednesday, when I will be in pain and feeling ill, that is the time I will be cancer free.
I am a member of a couple of cancer groups, and the people on there really have helped me.... but they have also let me know that this is the easy bit..... once the operation is out of the way, things will get harder..... what could be harder than THIS?
I thought it was the not knowing that was driving me mad.... but I think that knowing this, is worse than not knowing.
I am trying to take baby steps, just one thing at a time..... next step, double mastectomy.... I cant think beyond that.
I am trying to be strong..... I am trying not to feel sorry for myself..... I am trying to be a good mother and a loving wife.
I don't want to be that woman with breast cancer that every body has to look after.
Please can I go to bed tonight and then wake up in the morning and find out it has all been a horrible nightmare?
Friday, 10 September 2010
Friday 10 September
Barbara came today... She sat down and listened to what I had decided, and she listened to my reasons for coming to the decision.. and she agreed that she thought I had made the right decision for me... She said I seemed very positive and a lot calmer now that I had made my choice.
We agreed that the surgery date is going to be Wednesday 15th September... which is next wednesday.
I have got an appointment for Tuesday to go in the Jasmine suite and have my final appointment. Have my bloods taken, sign my consent forms and get to ask any last minute questions.
She did make a point of telling me that this is a major operation I will be having, and I must make sure to take it easy when I get home... but I don't have to go to bed.
Even though I have made a definite decision to have a double mastectomy, I think I am still in a bit of shock.... I feel fine in my self, not even very scared, it still feels like it is happening to somebody else... It might sink in over the next few days or it might not.... but at least I am coping.
Now I have to make sure I have everything I need for the hospital, pyjama's, dressing gown, slippers etc.... not forgetting my nicotine patches... lol.
For the first time in a long time I actually feel hungry today.... so I am going to make a nice chicken salad for me and Micky chicken and chips for Dave and Ryan.
So I am off to the shop to get something nice for tea.... and I'm going to try and have a fun weekend, while I can. Xxx
We agreed that the surgery date is going to be Wednesday 15th September... which is next wednesday.
I have got an appointment for Tuesday to go in the Jasmine suite and have my final appointment. Have my bloods taken, sign my consent forms and get to ask any last minute questions.
She did make a point of telling me that this is a major operation I will be having, and I must make sure to take it easy when I get home... but I don't have to go to bed.
Even though I have made a definite decision to have a double mastectomy, I think I am still in a bit of shock.... I feel fine in my self, not even very scared, it still feels like it is happening to somebody else... It might sink in over the next few days or it might not.... but at least I am coping.
Now I have to make sure I have everything I need for the hospital, pyjama's, dressing gown, slippers etc.... not forgetting my nicotine patches... lol.
For the first time in a long time I actually feel hungry today.... so I am going to make a nice chicken salad for me and Micky chicken and chips for Dave and Ryan.
So I am off to the shop to get something nice for tea.... and I'm going to try and have a fun weekend, while I can. Xxx
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Thurday 9th September (continued)
It's been a very strange day today.... my head has been all over the place, I have got all sorts going through my head today..... but I know I have got to make a real decision... and the worse things is... I have got to make the decision myself, and then talk it through with Dave.
So it's time to try and put the jumble that is the inside of my head at the moment.
One of my biggest worries is that I have issues about the way I look, Dave thinks I look gorgeous, But these are my issues.... When the operation is done, I will have to cope with the scars and what is left behind...
If I go for the mastectomy and quadrantectomy, I will be dealing with two very different scars and also I will have a nipple-less miss-shaped lump of flesh.... and if that wasn't enough, I would get myself very paranoid about the invasive lobular cancer coming back as it is prone to re-occurring in the opposite breast at a later date.
If I opt for the double mastectomy.... I get two even matching scars, and the knowledge that the breast cancer won't come back.
Once I had got it straight in my head, the decision is made..... I went to talk to Dave about what I had decided, and he was brilliant, he told me that in his eyes I had made the right decision... but it was a decision I had to make myself.... he explained to me that he would rather I had the double mastectomy than risk losing me.
I was worried about losing my femininity.... but what is feminine about a deformed lump of flesh stuck on my chest... it might be a bit different if the nipple was going to be left... what was being left behind wouldn't even resemble a breast.
Once i had written it all down and read it back to myself, it started to make sense, and I could see that I only ever really had one choice.
And I am a lot more at peace with myself now I have actually come to a decision.
no doubt I will be plagued with worries over the next few day, just general worries about the surgery.
It's a major operation at the end of the day and I am scared.... but I will deal with that one day at a time.
The doctor has prescribed me some Zopiclone just to help me sleep, because if I'm honest, I haven't had a complete night's sleep since I found out about my cancer.
But at least now I can tell Barbara tomorrow and she can arrange for me to have an appointment so I can go in and they can explain exactly what I will be able to expect during my operation.
God I'm so scared..... will I be able to cope with having both my breasts removed?
I think I will be able to cope a bit better than I would cope with getting breast cancer again in a couple of years..... But I'm still scared.
So it's time to try and put the jumble that is the inside of my head at the moment.
One of my biggest worries is that I have issues about the way I look, Dave thinks I look gorgeous, But these are my issues.... When the operation is done, I will have to cope with the scars and what is left behind...
If I go for the mastectomy and quadrantectomy, I will be dealing with two very different scars and also I will have a nipple-less miss-shaped lump of flesh.... and if that wasn't enough, I would get myself very paranoid about the invasive lobular cancer coming back as it is prone to re-occurring in the opposite breast at a later date.
If I opt for the double mastectomy.... I get two even matching scars, and the knowledge that the breast cancer won't come back.
Once I had got it straight in my head, the decision is made..... I went to talk to Dave about what I had decided, and he was brilliant, he told me that in his eyes I had made the right decision... but it was a decision I had to make myself.... he explained to me that he would rather I had the double mastectomy than risk losing me.
I was worried about losing my femininity.... but what is feminine about a deformed lump of flesh stuck on my chest... it might be a bit different if the nipple was going to be left... what was being left behind wouldn't even resemble a breast.
Once i had written it all down and read it back to myself, it started to make sense, and I could see that I only ever really had one choice.
And I am a lot more at peace with myself now I have actually come to a decision.
no doubt I will be plagued with worries over the next few day, just general worries about the surgery.
It's a major operation at the end of the day and I am scared.... but I will deal with that one day at a time.
The doctor has prescribed me some Zopiclone just to help me sleep, because if I'm honest, I haven't had a complete night's sleep since I found out about my cancer.
But at least now I can tell Barbara tomorrow and she can arrange for me to have an appointment so I can go in and they can explain exactly what I will be able to expect during my operation.
God I'm so scared..... will I be able to cope with having both my breasts removed?
I think I will be able to cope a bit better than I would cope with getting breast cancer again in a couple of years..... But I'm still scared.
Thurday 9th September
I am still trying to get my head round the decisions I have to make.
How can I make that decision.... ?
Although it was a shock being told that I have to have a mastectomy of my right breast.... It made things so much easier for me because all I had to do was agree and get my head round what they said.
This time I am in a bit of a mess.... I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.
My head is telling me to do one thing and my heart is telling me another.
I feel like the responsible thing to do is.... to agree to a bi lateral mastectomy.... but that is a big operation, and in my messed up head it's like if I agree to lose both of my breasts it will be like losing my femininity, but I know if I make that choice then there is no chance of the lobular cancer coming back at a later date.
But my heart is saying, just have the quadrantectomy because although I will be losing part of my breast and my nipple, I will still have some of my own breast left and will still have some of my femininity left.
I know this is my decision to make, but my head is such a mess.... when I ask Dave what to do, he just says he will back me up what ever decision I make.
My GP has just rung me up and asked how I am doing.... What could I say? so I told her about the dilema I am facing and she is getting me a prescription for something to help me sleep... maybe with a solid night's sleep under my belt I will be able to think a bit better.
She also gave me a bit of advice, she told me that if I have both breasts removed, when I have the reconstructive surgery, both breasts will be even. and I won't have to worry about re-occurring breast cancer.
Dave hasn't slept very much himself and I am worrying about him and how he's coping with what we are facing..... but if I mention it to him, he just tells me not to worry about him, he's not the one who has got this ahead of him..... but he does, having breast cancer has made me realise that breast cancer doesn't just affect the woman who has it but all her family and friends as well.
I know breast cancer seems to take away a woman's femininity but it takes away a lot more as well, it seems like I am not allowed to worry about anyone else, because they are too busy worrying about me....
I am a woman, a wife, a mother and a cancer sufferer..... but to me it seems like being the last takes away from being the other three.
Physically I haven't changed, I haven't even had any surgery yet.... but everybody is treating me like a patient already... Friends who have been fine with me before, don't know what to say to me... so they just talk round me.
Dave is being brilliant with me... I know that without him I would be a pile of snot and tears.... At the moment he is holding me up and keeping me strong... but at what cost to him? I love him so much, but I know before this gets better it's going to get a lot worse. and if I'm honest, I'm really scared.
How can I make that decision.... ?
Although it was a shock being told that I have to have a mastectomy of my right breast.... It made things so much easier for me because all I had to do was agree and get my head round what they said.
This time I am in a bit of a mess.... I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.
My head is telling me to do one thing and my heart is telling me another.
I feel like the responsible thing to do is.... to agree to a bi lateral mastectomy.... but that is a big operation, and in my messed up head it's like if I agree to lose both of my breasts it will be like losing my femininity, but I know if I make that choice then there is no chance of the lobular cancer coming back at a later date.
But my heart is saying, just have the quadrantectomy because although I will be losing part of my breast and my nipple, I will still have some of my own breast left and will still have some of my femininity left.
I know this is my decision to make, but my head is such a mess.... when I ask Dave what to do, he just says he will back me up what ever decision I make.
My GP has just rung me up and asked how I am doing.... What could I say? so I told her about the dilema I am facing and she is getting me a prescription for something to help me sleep... maybe with a solid night's sleep under my belt I will be able to think a bit better.
She also gave me a bit of advice, she told me that if I have both breasts removed, when I have the reconstructive surgery, both breasts will be even. and I won't have to worry about re-occurring breast cancer.
Dave hasn't slept very much himself and I am worrying about him and how he's coping with what we are facing..... but if I mention it to him, he just tells me not to worry about him, he's not the one who has got this ahead of him..... but he does, having breast cancer has made me realise that breast cancer doesn't just affect the woman who has it but all her family and friends as well.
I know breast cancer seems to take away a woman's femininity but it takes away a lot more as well, it seems like I am not allowed to worry about anyone else, because they are too busy worrying about me....
I am a woman, a wife, a mother and a cancer sufferer..... but to me it seems like being the last takes away from being the other three.
Physically I haven't changed, I haven't even had any surgery yet.... but everybody is treating me like a patient already... Friends who have been fine with me before, don't know what to say to me... so they just talk round me.
Dave is being brilliant with me... I know that without him I would be a pile of snot and tears.... At the moment he is holding me up and keeping me strong... but at what cost to him? I love him so much, but I know before this gets better it's going to get a lot worse. and if I'm honest, I'm really scared.
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