Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Monday 8th February.

Well I better give you all a quick catch up on what has been happening.
About 6 weeks after my operation I found some messages on my husbands computer... from another woman... love messages between the two of them.... the top and bottom of that is.... Dave has left me for this big breasted tart he met on facebook .
I was already feeling down about the cancer and the mastectomy so you can imagine i was totally devastated... I thought my world had ended..... I have all this surgery coming up for reconstruction and i have to deal with it alone.... I felt more lost than ever.
Then I found a lump......... oh no... not again.... I can't cope again... not on my own.
There's no saying the cancer is back, but every ache and pain you just think it's come back... so I tried not to panic, "it's only scar tissue, it will go away in a couple of days" but after a week it was still there, so I made an appointment to see my GP, she will tell me its only scar tissue and there's nothing to worry about... but when i got to the doctors, she was worried and sent me back to the jasmine suite......... oh my god... it's history repeating itself
I have two days to wait till I'm at the jasmine suite again... and I can honestly say i must have spent one and a half of those crying.
Friday comes and I go to the jasmine suite at the hospital.... I don't have to wait long, the doctor examines me, and she feels two lumps... I just thought i was getting paranoid and imagined a second lump..... but I'm not that lucky.... she wants me to have an ultrasound.... so I get taken round to where they do the scans, and they sit me in a private room..... that scares me even more than if they had put me in the main waiting room....... after what seems like an eternity, they call my name, and the scan begins..... the guy doing the scan says he see's nothing suspicious, I have got something called NARCROSIS (I think that's how you spell it) it turns out its just the tissue inside breaking off and dying... but to be honest I didn't hear much after he said IT'S NOT CANCER..... i just started crying... sheer relief
I went back in to see the doctor again and she explained that I have to go back in 3 weeks to check if the lumps have dispersed naturally, and if they haven't, I will have to have them biopsied to check for any calcification.... because calcium is an early warning of cancer returning,so I am back on the 15th.... It's just another thing to worry about.
The one thing I have noticed is that Cancer makes you look at things so differently... It brings a mortal fear into your life that never goes away and it really is a continued rollercoaster of emotions.
But this latest scare did make me take a good hard look at my life.
If two different types of cancer didn't keep me down.... then why should I let my husbands betrayal keep me down.
I AM A SURVIVOR........ I have survived a killer disease and I have survived the ultimate betrayal... and I'm still here and I'm still smiling... That's got to count for something.
So I now get up every morning and make an effort... I put my make up on... paint on a happy face, so to speak... and I live.... I have started to go out.... even a trip to the shops is a normal thing for me now......... I still have my bad days.... but there are more good days than bad ones now.
I have got my reconstruction starting at easter, but I will tell you all about that tomorrow.
For now... I have to put my boobs on... and go to the hospital for another bloody injection.
But the one thing I know from now on is....... I am going to start living again.... WHY?????
Because I can. Xxx


  1. Well done Caz - sadly the title of your blog is so apt, but you are coping well. One chapter has finished, but a new one awaits, and I hope its filled with happiness for you.

    Shents x

  2. Good to see you posting again !!!What an unbelievable time you have been through but you keep bouncing back.You should write a book but no-one would believe you !!!!!!Stay strong darling.
    Rose xxx

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